jk.

Ok time for something a little less personal and a little more lighthearted. But obvs still super profound. (haha.)

What a wonderful evening. Karen and I attended this modern dance class that meets every Monday, and it was so much fun. I forgot how much I loved and missed dance. It is so amazing to let go of everything at the door and focus completely on something I love for an hour and a half. It was kind of a shock to my body though, and I will probably be too sore to move tomorrow. Oh well, gotta start somewhere, right??!

Something the teacher, Wayne, said just really stuck with me, though. We were about to do the left side of a combination and he said "Don't worry if you mess up, sometimes mistakes are more real... they tell the truth." And we all kind of laughed about that, that mistakes are honestly more honest, that they are what your body wants and where you should probably go next anyway since it seems more natural. They are what you do when you really let go.

And it is so okay to make mistakes. In dance... and in life. And after you make them you just have to keep on going. Just a little hiccup and you move on. But, those mistakes and wrong turns and "just kiddings" of life are a window into your soul. They are what happen when you let your mind off the hook for two seconds and follow your heart. They are YOU.

Looking back at all my "mistakes," I realized that...well... can anything really be considered a mistake in life? It all happened for a reason. It all just happened. Maybe everything is not done deliberately, but it is still DONE.  Calling something a mistake is just a way to bury a part of ourselves of which we are ashamed or scared. A way of dismissing a little piece of what makes us who we are.

And so I challenge you, as I have myself, to really look back at those things which you may have considered a "mistake" or a "just kidding." To look back at them and to embrace them. To realize why you decided at that moment that it was easier to turn right rather than go straight. It may be difficult, but you may surprise yourself with how much you can learn. And not the whole "learning from your mistakes" line... but more like, "learning through your mistakes." Learning that as humans we are going to do what we want sometimes regardless of the consequences. But, think for a second about WHY you wanted to make that "mistake" and WHY you filed it away under "mistake" after it was done. It may show you the very person that you are. Or it may show you a piece of your life that you have been missing all along. Or it may show you a way to achieve happiness.

So, let's live honestly, realizing that what we do is who we are. Realizing that every "wrong" turn brought us to where we are today. And finally, realizing that there is truth in everything we do, especially in those visceral moments which we deem "mistakes."

Good night and sweet dreams.
Liv

Hoarders: Memory edition.

Time can come and wash away the pain
But I just want my mind to stay the same
To hear your voice
To see your face
There’s not one moment I’d erase
You are a guest here now- Regina Spektor "How"

In this whole process of moving I have been face to face with just how much stuff I have accumulated over the years. Think giant mountain of clothes and entire junk drawers randomly emptied onto shelves. Just ask Corie, we literally unpacked trash. Scraps of random paper that I was holding onto for some reason. Some receipts, some old silly notes between friends, even old sorority meeting agendas. But trash just the same.

Why do we collect things? Is it to hold onto a memory? Is it so we do not forget the past? Do I think one day I will sit on the floor, legs crossed, and flip through the pages of an old agenda? Or smile over an old metro ticket while sipping my morning coffee? Nope. Not my intention at all. And I realized what we are always trying to hold onto are our memories. To have something tangible to remind us of our past. Just in case we forget. Just in case the past we cherished so much slips away.

I realized this as I threw so much away. I realized this as I let that old metro ticket fall into the trash. But, I hid other things away, not willing to let them go just yet. I couldn't let that livestrong band go. Couldn't delete those emails. Couldn't erase your pictures off of my phone.

Some memories are easy to hold onto. But trying to hold onto others, onto you, just sucks the wind right out of me. As I work so hard to hold on to something, someone, I worry that I am letting other things slip through my fingers. That I've locked my mind so tight around you that nothing else is even getting in.

The first time I heard that song, "How" by Regina Spektor, was on my way to Louisville the other day... and it brought tears to my eyes. It hit wayyyy to close to home. But after forcing myself to listen again- I realized a deeper meaning. It is not just saying goodbye or pining over a memory lost. It is about realizing that there are people in our lives who are not meant to stay forever. They are there for a reason, if only for a moment. They serve their ever important purpose, and then they are gone.  Then they take up residence in our minds forever. They are always with us.

And so I will never forget you, anonymous boy who I continue to vaguely mention in this blog. Take up your spot in my mind and settle in because you are there for good. Forever. But, I am setting myself free of this vice-like grip I have on you. Knowing that in changing my life (and in changing yours) I could never ever get rid of you even if I tried.

Liv

The Daddy of All Posts.

(Blogging high. Just a new phase I have coined... which means that the second I blog one day I want to every day after that. It's addictive. )

Confession: being late makes me super anxious. Unless it's for a party, in which case I am always late obvs. So I decided that since life is a party- it is acceptable that this Father's day post is belated. I love my Dad, even though he admitted that he never ever reads my blog, since he "doesn't do facebook..." haha... and I mean he might be kind of busy saving lives and just being all around awesome.

I saw that and laughed so hard yesterday... Dad always knows best, doesn't he? What's more is that he has been a true inspiration in my life. He is the hardest worker I know, and not to mention a complete genius.

Daddy, thank you for showing me that nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it. For showing me that hard work is a way of life and that learning is a lifelong adventure. For instilling a sense of constant curiosity about the world, and also a sense of determination to discover the truth behind those curious inquiries.

I can only hope to grow up to be just like you :)
(But is the world ready for two Dr. Morins?? Three, after Emmy gets her PhD?? It better get ready!!)

You and Mom have been the rock on which I am able to stand while pursuing my dreams. Life has not been easy recently, but having parents like you has made it just a little bit more do-able. I love you both more than anything and could not possibly find big enough words to express my gratitude to you both.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy. I love you and I will always be your little girl, no matter how "grown up" I get.



Liv

The cheap seats.

Lately I have been doing a lot of driving. And with that comes a lot of free time. To think. And I have been thinking about what I want to say in this next post for about a week now.  A million ideas have run through my head, some fun and some sad and some inspirational, but this is what I have come up with...

Last night I watched one of my favorite movies, "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist," and it has one of my all time favorite movie quotes in it...

Norah: Aren't you sad that we missed it.
Nick: We didn't miss it. THIS *IS* IT. 

Just let that soak in for a second.

Along those very same lines, I heard this interview with Regina Spektor about her new CD (which I am currently obsessed with...) titled "What we saw from the cheap seats"... and she explained how that IS life. The view from the cheap seats. The party happening all around you.... even when you are so far away that you can't barely see the actual show. It is what is happening RIGHT NOW.

And why live your life sitting pretty in the front row center. Don't you want some room to dance? Some freedom to go a little crazy and celebrate just being alive. That's what Nick was saying in that movie... "This *is* it".... life is going on all around you... not just in those moments that you plan out... but in EVERY moment. It is that random bar that me and Brooke stumbled upon a couple of weeks ago. It is doing a dragon puzzle with Erick and Emmy. It is a Zumba dance party with my best friend Jo. It is that beautiful little spot between two mountains where my dad took me on the lake. It is driving down the interstate bawling my eyes out because this song hit way to close to home. It is being the silliest packer of all time with Corie and Kylie and Vikas... and cracking up the whole time we moved into my new house.

And I think that is the most beautiful part of life: that we can't stop it from spiraling faster and faster with every passing day. All we can do is enjoy it... As Regina sings in Small Town Moon "We're gonna get real old real soon... Today we're younger than we are ever gonna be...!!!"

But is it just about living life to the fullest? Isn't that what I am ALWAYS saying?? Yes... but also, no. Because it is about striving to live the life God has laid out in front of us. But in my opinion these things go hand and hand... because I am a true believer that God didn't put us on this earth to be miserable. Yes we will all go though things, and we will all have our faith tested at one point or another. I have been reflecting lately on the letters of Saint Paul...

"You have followed my teaching, way of life, purpose, faith, patience, love endurance, persecutions, and sufferings... persecutions that I endured. Yet from all these things the Lord has delivered me." (2 Tim 3: 10-11)

And in today's second reading from Mass:
Brothers and sisters:
We are always courageous,
although we know that while we are at home in the body
we are away from the Lord,
for we walk by faith, not by sight.
Yet we are courageous,
and we would rather leave the body and go home to the Lord.
Therefore, we aspire to please him,
whether we are at home or away.
For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ,
so that each may receive recompense,
according to what he did in the body, whether good or evil. (2 Cor 5:6-10)

Although sometimes it may seem that life is throwing you too much to handle... it is SO on purpose. And God only tests those who He knows can endure and not only endure, but THRIVE in the lessons that can only come from such a test. And He gives you the courage and perseverance to get through...

You see from all of this crazy mess that I have to go through... I have gained more that cancer could have ever taken away from me. Right now, looking back, I am thankful that God felt I was strong enough to handle so much. You see, I know now that nothing life throws at me is impossible. I have realized my strength. And I have gained perspective and a whole new way of seeing life. Not very many people are lucky enough to ever really understand the things I have caught a glimpse of. I have been blessed with the ability to really APPRECIATE. And through that appreciation, to really LIVE.

It is something that I must realize every day upon waking. Hello new day... good to see you... what blessings can I find in you today? I look each challenge in the face and step right over it and go right on living again. Because life is happening even in those challenging moments... especially in those challenging moments. And when we can learn to be happy and praise God even when enduring what seems impossible at the moment.... that is when you are TRULY living.

And so I won't waste my life dwelling on the bad... but rather I will focus on counting my blessings and on smiling in the face of adversity. It is jamming out from the "cheap seats"... it is realizing that "this *is* it"...

Liv

11:12

So I may or may not have a lot free time on my hands lately. Run down of today. Woke up at 11am. Watched 5ish episodes of Community. Zumba'ed for an hour. (Determined to reach my cachectic weight by the end of the summer- I bought like four new pairs of pants then that I would like to continue to wear). Ate a little late lunch. Now I'm blogging by the pool. Lake later with dad. Life is good.

Last night while watching hockey with my mom, I looked over at the clock at 11:11. (We recorded the game) And I made a wish. And it got me thinking about all the wishes I have made in the past that may or may not have come true. I guess I can disclose a few of those past wishes now: I wished:
- to do well on the MCAT
-that my plane would land safely the first time I went to France
-that so and so boy would like me
-to get into medical school
-that my PET scan would be negative
-that so and so boy would leave her
-to pass my final block exam
-to do well on every medical school test
-that my mom would forgive me
-that I would get better
-that chemo wouldn't make me too sick
-to be happy

I don't always wish for something important, it is just what is consuming my thoughts at the time. And therefore, soo seemingly important at the time. All these wishes tell just what I was thinking at certain points in time. Like chapter headings to my life.

What makes me move on from one wish to another? Sometimes I get just what I wished for. But not because I wished it, but because I worked my butt of to achieve it. Some things just fell into place. Other things just don't work out and I choose to move on. Like when I never got off the wait list to my top choice medical school. Or when he never left her.

It's funny to me how I just keep right on wishing though. At 11:11. When I closed my eyes so hard at the Trevi fountain. On every stray eyelash. Because I am not superstitious.  And I know that wishing won't do anything to change my life. But, I guess it is more than wishing, it is a prayer. It is just a predetermined time where I calm my mind and send up that one prayer to a God who I know is listening. Maybe I should start making 11:12 a moment of silence so I have time to listen for a reply.

But there is one thing I don't wish for anymore: to be happy. Because I am happy. Through all of this mess, I have realized that happiness is a choice. And I smile a lot, like REALLY SMILE. A smile that begins deep within myself, only emerging on my lips after filling my whole self with contentment and joy.

So now I am off to play with our new lake toys (jet skis!!!) with my dad. Feeling that wind through my baby ducky hair as we zip though the beautiful water. Surrounded by the gorgeous mountains that could make anyone believe in a magnificent God. Taking a moment of silence and breathing in His glory, loving every minute of my blessed life... as I truly and deeply smile.

Liv

NO ONE LIKE ME.

So. glad. that. is. over.

So I got a glimpse into what normal medical school life was like those last three weeks of the semester... and I was all like "oh wait, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS STUDY. Well this is easy." But really. You truly learn to appreciate the little things when you don't have the little things for a while. Fifth floor of the UTHSC library, you were my haven and I actually had a lot of fun with your other residents those last few weeks. I mean, I could tell some people were a little confused when I was skipping down the hallways on the way to a four hour study sesh while everyone else looked completely miz. But have to study or not, I wake up each day with a smile on my face, thanking God for this new beautiful day that I am alive. I am pretty sure I made every random person (that got too close) toast to that very same thing on Saturday night "to being alive and living every day to the fullest!!"

And lately I have been living each day that I can to the fullest. Seeing friends and family and smiling a lot!  I am even trying not to let this awful head cold get in my way- even though it did take a couple of days away from the fun and gave them to the couch! (sad puppy face) Oh well, I am feeling much better now and looking forward to spending lots of time at the pool and lake (if these clouds would go away!! geez life can't you just be as warm and sunshiny as I feel right now!! please and thank you)

Speaking of friends and family. Lately my life has been full of warm encounters and exciting reunions. And it made me think about how these people who I love and who love me shape my life. But not just them; every single person who I have encountered in my life has changed me in some way or another. Hopefully mostly for the better. We are all just big collages made from bits and pieces of each other. Each others habits, blessings, judgements, praise...

And since being home most people have slathered on the praise and admiration like crazy. In a way that almost makes me feel uncomfotable. ALMOST. (do y'all even know me? LOL)  But what it made me realize is this: I don't deserve all this. I was, AM, just a girl who did what she had to do. What made sense to me at the time. What seemed to me as my only option. I would honestly be crazy impressed with someone who could sit on their butt for six months with only cancer to fill their mind and make it out of THAT situation alive.

But I guess it does kind of put things in perspective for me. It was kind of a big deal, what I did. And it feels AMAZING to be able to say that in the PAST TENSE. Aaaaand get ready for this y'all:

I AM SO INCREDIBLE. 

But guess what, so are so many others out there in this crazy world. And I am friends with a lot of those incredible people. And as incredible people we deserve nothing but the best. Nothing but people who love me with their everything.

Basically, what I am trying to say is that if you are lucky enough to call yourself my friend then you are one amazing person. But I am also lucky to have you in my life. And that is what life is all about. We all have a part in shaping each other. You all had/have a part in shaping who I AM TODAY and who I will become. You all have a part in pasting one more photo on to that "Olivia collage." So make it a good one.

Cheers to living life and loving life. And being lucky enough to have friends like you.
Liv

Manners take a second look and you'll see
There is no one like me
Th-th-there is no one like me

Manners you better reconsider cause you will never do better
There is no one like me, like me
Manners take a second look and you'll see there is no one like me