long hair, don't care.

I'm alive
And I don't need a witness
To know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yeah, I just need light
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution
I need light in the dark
As I search for the resolution- Jacks Mannequin: Resolution


So I'm done with boards. I'm done done done doneeeee. And it feels like nothing. and everything. but mostly nothing. but anyway, I am so glad it's behind me and I can spend a week with some great friends trying not to think about medicine for a little while and just enjoy the sunshine.

I just wanted to say thank you to Bristol. Thank you thank you thank youuu. I had the most amazingly wonderful time while I was home. And it really did feel like home, and not just some place I was stopping through for a couple of days. It really did feel like the place where I came from and the place where I belong, even if only for a short while. The support from family and friends meant more to me than I can express in words. Much more. It made studying actually enjoyable, well, as enjoyable as it could possibly be. And it made me smile much more than I would've just holed up in my study closet in Memphis. That is for sure. And that makes me happy. So, again, thank you Bristol, for everything. 

I've been saying "thank you" a whole lot recently. And I hope that's not too mushy, or too "feel good" or too whatever. Honestly, I've been saying thank you for a whole year. And in case you were wondering, yes, it has been almost a whole year. Two weeks from my one-year-out-mark. I never thought I'd be here, let alone so well adjusted and happy and being so dang cheesy. 

I've had so many different strategies for trying to deal with it all. At first, I really thought I could just push it way down and never think of it again. And I tried that for a while, and it was fun and I did a lot of "trying to be normal." But then I did a lot of thinking about it, and comparing everything to it.  The pendulum was swinging the other way and I was "trying to put everything in perspective." And, well, that was just as unfulfilling and awful and impossible.

But then I realized, not on my own mind you, but realized just the same, that it's okay to not be normal AND to not compare everything that I do to having cancer or to not having cancer. I can just be a "regular" person who went through this hell and is now living. Just living, like anyone else. Just experiencing everything and smiling and hurting just like anyone else. And stressing about boards and bickering with my sister (lovingly) and dishing about a date. 

I realized it's been a year. And so much has happened in a year. And NONE of it has anything to do with having cancer. And that feels damn good. More than good. I finished my second year of medical school on a high note and took the first step of my medical boards. I lost ten pounds. I had the most wonderful times going out (and staying in) with friends. I worked on my relationship with my parents. I learned how to love those crazy puppies again. I let go of all the bitterness. I forgave. I thanked. I loved. 

At the risk of sounding super lame (which probably isn't that much of a stretch) I went to see Andrew McMahon in concert in Nashville on Wednesday night, alone, because I am that cool. (Also he played me Konstantine and I can die happy now.) But really, it made me realize how far I'd come and how much I've changed. I am more brave now. I take more chances. I don't let anyone, or anything, get in the way of my life. I would've never been able to do that in the past... but here I am, and nothing scares me anymore. (Well almost nothing, that plane to Florida was sooooo terrifyingly bumpy, so there is that.)

So here's the point: it has been (almost) a year. And it has been long enough that I look like a normal, cancer-free 24 year-old-girl. I have short precious normal girly hair. Life is happening all around me. And I am living, just like anyone else. Except not just like anyone else. This is my life. I survived and I am thankful. And more than that, I am brave.


See y'all on the other side of one-year. 
Liv

a study on gratefulness.

Remember when I used to say I studied all the time. Well that was before this. That was before USMLE Step 1. I take the first part of the "medical boards" on April 16th. That's ten days away... holy (something) that's terrifying, and exciting, and numbing. But the point of this post is not to dwell on that, because, well honestly, I dwell on that probably too much already, and I think about it and I worry about it and I study study study, zone out, study, fall asleep reading flash cards, wake up, coffee, repeat. Ev-er-y-freak-ing-day. So no more mention of this dang test. Probably. (Ha, just kidding, that's impossible)

The point of this post is gratefulness in a big way. The point of this post is that I have spent so many nights of my life up studying and sacrificing and working my butt off to get where I am today. To be able to say that I am taking that test (see, already mentioned it again) in ten days. And it hasn't just been the normal kind of struggle, but the kind of struggle that makes me proud to be here and makes me smile (mostly, sometimes it's still too soon). The kind of struggle that makes my happy to be working so hard, every day, towards this goal.

I laugh as I think about this debate I have with this guy in my class sometimes when we mosey out to the bars after a test. "I love it," I say, "all of it, the studying and the awful late nights and the stress, I wouldn't change any of it" And he says, "Oh my god it's awful... the studying and the books and the sitting, get me to the hospitals now.... I am so tired of reading." And this conversation literally never goes anywhere, just me smiling and shaking my head and him rolling his eyes. Then we probably cheers and the evening goes on, the conversation lost amongst so many other others as we blend with the night.

Man, what I wouldn't give for a night like that right about now. Just a bunch of medical students, good friends, celebrating the end of another testing block, tired as all heck, getting all our complaints out, and all of our good times in before it all comes back around again. It's hard for me to be this solitary. Cabin fever is sinking in bad and I am itching for a good time. I mean I don't think I've worn real pants for more than 5 hours since I've been home. (But let's be honest, that's not much of a change). Sigh. Ten more days.

But I am grateful. I am content. I am busy, too busy for lots of the other things that could, and definitely would, make me smile. Like sunshine, and a morning dedicated to nothing by a latte and a friend. But as I push forward past these last couple of weeks into the next ten days, I am happy. Stressed and bored and jittery and happy. And definitely grateful.

Grateful that my life has lead me right here. Grateful that with every tug in some direction or another, that I always ended up back here.

It feels like where I am supposed to be.

All the other paths I could have taken. All the other "nos" or "yeses" I could've said. But, I wouldn't want it any other way. I mean, I could be half way around the world teaching English or something, putting that French degree to use. Walking down the street with a pain-au-chocolat in hand (dang, that actually sounds amazing right about now.) Or living back in Bristol (like I am doing now to study) and married with two kids. I could come home every night and kiss their foreheads and pick up toys and cuddle up next to some man while we fall asleep watching the RedSox game (also sounds kind of nice.) But that wasn't my path. It's not where I was meant to go. All of my twists and turns lead me here instead, just like they were supposed to. I try so hard to keep my faith in something bigger, something that guides our actions and our lives. This is one of those things that keeps me holding tight to that faith.

Fate is alive and well.

But fate isn't a blind faith. It's definitely the kind of faith that requires more than just prayers and hopes, it requires hard work and dedication and passion. Sacrifices and gratefulness. All of these things that lead to me smiling like an idiot reading a microbiology chart. Doing flashcards with my dad for fun. Quizzing my neighbor on Pharmacology while I'm visiting on my "study break." Being so proud of my uWorld "highest score" and wanting to out-do it everyday.

I can do this. I can do ten more days. Because it's not just ten more days.... it is a lifetime of studying and sacrificing. It is being that 45 year old soccer mom and never having a tan. It is working til I'm dead tired and saying no to countless night of non-med-school-friends begging me to join them out for a beer. It is more than the life I have chosen at this point, it is the life that fate has chosen for me.

Cheers to that.
Liv

You know you can't keep lettin' it get you down
And you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around.
If there ain't all that much to lug around,
Better run like hell when you hit the ground.

...

Let it go, this too shall pass

This Too Shall Pass- OK GO