Talk on Indolence- Avett Brothers Well I’ve been lockin' myself up in my house for sometime now Readin' and writin' and readin' and thinkin' and searching for reasons and missing the seasons. The Autumn, the Spring, the Summer, the snow. The record will stop and the record will go. Latches latched the windows down, the dog coming in and the dog going out. Up with caffeine and down with a shot. Constantly worried about what I’ve got. Distracting my work but I can’t make a stop and my confidence on and my confidence off. And I sink to the bottom and rise to the top and I think to myself that I do this a lot. World outside just goes it goes it goes it goes it goes it goes... and witness it all from the blinds of my window. THREE, FOUR
I'm a little nervous 'bout what you'll think When you see me in my swimming trunks And last night in New York I got raging drunk Remember one time I got raging drunk with you
Now, I can recall a time when we made the city Streets our playground, kissing in the fountains Filled with cigarettes and bottles Sped through Italian city streets of cobblestone
Because we had to Because I loved you Because the damned alcohol Beacuse what ever at all
Now I've grown to aware of my mortality To let go and forget about dying Long enough to drop the hammer down And let the indolence go wild and flying through Because we had to
Ahhh the first "snow" day of the year. Little children out "sledding" in the ice covered rainy streets and annoying the heck out of their parents. The postman cursing his existence. Me, sitting at my desk drinking mint tea in a onsie taking a break from an all day study marathon that I have yet to begin.
I think of all the negativity that surrounds me, that surrounds all of us. God, it's freezing and my car is making a weird noise and the overhead lighting in my room is finicky. And I'm single. And school is so hard and all-consuming. I could just hibernate and ignore it all and not talk to anyone. I could enjoy endless cups of mint tea and just say "screw it all" because the world is a cold, hard, miserable place... sometimes.
But only just sometimes...
Sometimes I wish everyone could see the world through new eyes. To see the beauty in the icicles and find a beautiful melody amongst the grumblings of generations. To find peace in the chaos.
You see, there was a time when I was looking at it all wrong. I was trying to make my life perfect and pretty and neat. I was trying for the sake of perfect, pretty, neat. This picket fence and that kiss me when I get home husband. That christmas card. Sure, there is happiness to be found there... but what is the point? Because eventually you will get tired and that beauty will fade. Those icicles are just daggers and the grumblings are just grumblings.
Instead, seek beauty. And not superficial beauty, but a deeper beauty found only in compassion, equality, and peace. Find it everywhere and share it with everyone you know. Clear away the cobwebs of negativity that seep into every little thing we do. Let's all lighten up a little, okay. Laugh a little. Smile at a stranger.
And let's find that beauty in a traffic jam and a neuroscience textbook. Find it during those long logistics meetings and while cleaning the kitchen. Because let's face it, life isn't going anywhere anytime soon (hopefully) and most of it is just busy work. And personally, I don't want to miss out on all the fun of life because I am spending it cursing the car in front of me or dreading all of my school assignments. I'm going to try and find the beauty in it. Find meaning. Find that beautiful, true happiness. That fresh snow just waiting to be discovered.
So join me and seek beauty, too. Or I don't know, go find someone else to grumble to...
Liv
I've got a plan, I've got an atlas in my hands I'm gonna turn when I listen to the lessons I've learned -"Atlas Hands" Benjamin Francis Leftwich
A year from now I won't think about it. A year from now it will be January 4th 2014 and it will all just be a blip in my past. I won't think about how, a year ago, right this very moment was the worst day of my life, every single day.
A year can seem like such a long time...or like no time at all. Because there are a couple of years I don't even remember.. being 9, sophomore year of high school, toddlerdom... but man last year was a doozie. It was all ups and downs and nothing in between. It was a year of growth and realization and overcoming. I started this blog for the fun of it and it got all crazy emotional and sad. So in the spirit of coming full circle, I am going to bring a little bit of light and laughter back. Because, to be the super cliche that I am half the time, I feel that light and laughter creeping in more and more everyday. And thank God for that.
Sooooooo I have brought back the list!
Olivia's Top 10 Take Home Points of 2012:
10. I have a really nicely shaped bald head. I mean, it is possible that some people MAY NEVER KNOW THIS about themselves, and so in that sense I consider myself lucky.
9. Boy should be required to wear engagement rings.
8. What doesn't kill you doesn't always make you stronger. Usually what doesn't kill you, just almost kills you. Rather, YOU make you stronger.
7. Sometimes you fail. AND THAT'S OKAY as long as you really tried. You were meant for bigger and better things.
6. Ladies, if you want to attract lots of other ladies (if you know what I mean) I would recommend a short blond pixie cut. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
5. Holding on to and keeping in touch with those who matter is one of the most important things you can do. Even more important, though, is letting go of those who don't matter at all.
4. PET scan machines should have an "are you sure you want to delete this file?" screen that pops up after you click delete. Just saying. Might be helpful. I mean, my gmail has one...
3. Pie crust is best made with chilled butter. And my new kitchen aid stand mixer. And a glass of wine.
2. Sincerity, true sincerity, is rare and should be cherished. Same with making an A on a medical school exam.
1. Once in a while, check to make sure you are still breathing. Are you? Good, that means you're alive and you have everything to be grateful for. Now don't waste a second of this life which is so rare and special and unique that it will only be lived once. Make it count.
Alright, see you never 2012!
Liv
Won't you come see about me? I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Tell me your troubles and doubts Giving me everything inside and out and Love's strange so real in the dark Think of the tender things that we were working on
Slow change may pull us apart When the light gets into your heart, baby
Don't You Forget About Me Don't Don't Don't Don't Don't You Forget About Me
The holidays are a time of mass chaos. Semesters finishing up. Presents to buy. A million parties to attend. Chat. Laugh. Cry. Repeat.
I wonder how we became the age of all consuming technology. How something so small blows up on the internet, the newest facebook sensation. Or how something so big and horrible becomes inescapable. How our lives become inescapable. Do-do-do and that boy is texting you, news alert, twitter mention, facebook e-vite.
So I have decided to unplug. And I guess this blog post is cheating but oh well. No one will read it anyway because I'm not going to post it to my "timeline" or tweet about it. It will just be our little secret. I am taking this month off. From chaos and drama and virtual reality. I am doing yoga by myself and drinking lots of tea. I am reading. (I admit I am finishing up Grey's Anatomy). I am writing. I am seeing friends. I'd rather stare at my sweet sleeping puppies anyway than the screen of a stupid cell phone.
If you know me at all you know that I have never been this girl. But that was before. One year ago I was lying on the dang couch cursing those hyper puppies because I was so tired. I was pulling out my own hair, crying and begging for it to stay in just a little bit longer. I was sick. I was pleading to God. Then, then I was glued to my phone, to the distractions. To the prayers of hundreds of friends. To the emails that would eventually get me through this mess. I needed it. Craved the distraction. Life was too hard and I wanted to escape.
So I escaped into a world of blog posts and facebook messages and encouraging tweets. I escaped into the second year of medical school. I buried myself in books and inspirational quotes. I threw myself into a whirlwind relationship that was insane and so unnecessary. It was like trying to distract a toddler in the middle of a temper tantrum, "quick look over here, look at this new toy, please be quiet, if you are good we can stop for ice cream..."
But I made it. And here I reliving the moments that we all live every year. It's the end of another semester, it's the holidays, and it's being home for Christmas. Soon it will be my third year of medical school and then summer and then thanksgiving and then we will be back around again and again and again, if we are so lucky. Second helpings of the same ol' life with a brand new outlook.
Except this time I am not distracted.
I have never been so clear in my whole life. Like I said, I unplugged, and if you want to reach me, then well I don't know, maybe you should just come ring my door bell. The mountain air of East Tennessee is as cleansing as ever and I am soaking it all in. I am striving for peace of mind and for perspective and for restoration. I am recharging my batteries. Because Lord knows that it will all hit the fan again when January rolls around, for the second time since. Life will still be there and school will still be killer and I will still have to deal with a million medical appointments and follow-ups. But, I will take a deep breath and say "bring it on." I won't let myself be distracted.
I have landed on solid ground and this year, I am seeing things in a new light. It's my second Christmas since...and well, I can breathe. So leave me alone, unless you want to unplug with me, and then let's all grab some egg nog and cozy up by a fire somewhere. I swear they must have been happier in the "old days." Blissfully unaware of what was happening thousands of miles away and so blissfully aware of their own time and place. Lost in the eyes of someone across the room instead of in the lastest episode of Parks & Rec. Hand running through my hair instead of checking the score of the game. Real time conversation with real time laughter and tears.
Let's get back to that, okay?
Liv
It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters And make fun of our exes It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight To fall in love with strangers We're happy free confused and lonely at the same time It's miserable and magical oh yeah Tonight's the night when we forget about the deadlines, it's time
I'm standing in a crowd of people. I'm swaying to the sweet, sweet voice of Sufjan Stevens. I'm smiling, so big. I'm happy. I'm right where I want to be. Where I am supposed to be.
Last night was exactly one year since I found out. Three hundred and sixty five days ago, at this very moment, I was waking up in the ICU after having what felt like a million emergency procedures and biopsies. I was waking up. Waking up to a life that wasn't what it should be, what it could be...
Then I changed. I changed so many things. It's amazing what can happen in just one year. How just one hurdle can throw off the entire course of your life... for better or for worse. I am running in the right direction now. It's all going to be okay, better.
I feel more like myself now. I fill up every inch of every day with love. I am bursting at the seams with love. I am running towards a life full of meaning. I am trying to be better, to do better.
And now here I am. I am not perfect. But I am here.
Where I should be.
I was in love with the place In my mind, in my mind I made a lot of mistakes In my mind, in my mind
You came to take us All things go, all things go To recreate us All things grow, all things grow We had our mindset All things know, all things know You had to find it All things go, all things go
If I was crying In the van with my friend It was for freedom From myself and from the land I made a lot of mistakes I made a lot of mistakes I made a lot of mistakes I made a lot of mistakes
Everywhere I look recently I see ghosts. I feel tired. I am tired from shoving it all back inside. I am tired of bringing it up. I know no one wants to hear it anymore.
It's been a whole year...
So here goes, another cathartic free for all mess of emotion. I will speak into the empty space so I can finally stop choking on the words..."remember then, I can't believe it still, I was so tired, I was so sick, what a crazy thing, but I'm good now, different, so good.." Things could not possibly be more different now. Different people, different house, different way of seeing things, different challenges. I am so different. Yet I keep coming back to the same.
It's just my mind. It is so jumbled. Trying to separate the sameness out from the constantly changing background. Trying to hang on for dear life to that feeling. To that desperate thankfulness. To those tears of joy.
No one is happy all that time.
I feel like I am cheating. Wake up, study, eat, sleep, breathe, breathe, breathe. Sameness. How easily we all forget what it's like to be upside down. How easily we sink back into where it is too comfortable. How easily we let that different slip though our fingers. We readjust to the different so it too becomes part of the same. We recalibrate. We keep moving forward. We keep breathing.
I lust for someone to come along and wake me up. Yearn for it. Slap some damn sense into me. Open my eyes. Yet, I know there is no one capable of a gesture so grand. Well no one that is, except for myself. And right now I am just hitting that snooze button, sliding deeper under the covers, shielding myself from the cold, from the dark, from the sameness. I am scared of not feeling. Of becoming mediocre. Of being a fraud.
I guess that's normal.
So for now I will retreat back under those covers to protect my vulnerabilities. My sanity. My sameness. For just a minute longer. Knowing that I WILL find that place where I am hiding and I will invite myself to see life upside down, again. To break through that sameness that is so comfortable but so terribly smothering.
I will, I promise, but just one minute more....
Liv
We'll fast forward to a few years later And no one knows except the both of us And I have honored your request for silence And you've washed your hands clean of this
Life is a hurricane spinning out of control. You blink and it's eleven months later and you are out laughing with friends. You've forgotten all of the horrible times and you just are. The present sneaks up on you. Time slips by so quickly. And I just can't believe it's been eleven months since I first heard those crazy words "we found a mass"...
I had a little meltdown in Mass tonight. You cannot just spring an "anointing of the sick"-sacremental-free-for-all on me like that. I need at LEAST a week to prepare my emotional state. For all of my non-catholic friends, "anointing of the sick" is basically just a special blessing where a minister anoints your forehead and the palms of your hands and prays over you. It is meant to bring you strength and healing, and underlies some of my most powerful memories. They are like mile markers, corresponding so well with every stage of this whole thing. Beginning, middle, end...
The first time I was anointed:
I was home for the first time since I was diagnosed and dragged my weak little self to Mass, determined to put on a brave face for all those who knew and who needed reassurance. Cancer really is just a series of comforting words and reassuring smiles to everyone else. I made the rounds and hugged and smiled 'til my face hurt. Then, just as I was leaving, Father Tim grabbed my hand and asked if I had a minute for him to anoint me.
Now up until this point in my life, I have been healthy, like insanely healthy. Not one broken bone. I still have my tonsils and all my wisdom teeth. I didn't even catch the swine flu when it swept through sorority recruitment in 2009. I had never even given the sacrement a second thought. It was for old people and people with cancer (I literally just laughed out loud writing that). Who ever thinks anything like this will ever happen to them?? It's always someone else. It's always someone else and never you. Until it is you.
I had been talking to an old high school friend and neighbor, Hunter, who I hadn't seen for years, so I grabbed him and his brother and called for my parents and sister. We all held hands in a circle next to the baptismal font. Father Tim said the blessing as I bawled like a baby, squeezing Hunter's hand. I felt so helpless and tired. So sick and needy. It was one of the first moments I remember feeling truly helpless in this whole mess. But, in that moment, helpless was right. In that moment, all I could do was cling to a prayer and try to find that minuscule bit of strength left inside me. And so I did.
It was just the beginning and I knew it was going to get much worse before it got better. So, I mustered up whatever tiny courage I had left and I put that smile on my face and I did it. I lost my hair and put my body through hell. I studied my butt off, even when I felt like crawling back into bed for a month. Honestly, I don't even remember much of anything else. PTSD or something like that. But there are some moments from that era that still have memories attached, like...
the second time I was anointed:
I was in Memphis and heard that they were going to be doing a special anointing of the sick Mass the weekend both my parents were going to be in town. I think this was around mid-February, right smack in the middle of the it all. I remember it so well. I had just had chemo on the Friday and felt awful, but was happy to see my Dad. And at this point I desperately wanted to be anointed, to find that strength again, because it was fading fast and even though the PET scans showed that I was responding brilliantly to the chemo, well chemo just plain wipes every ounce of happiness and strength right out of you, so I needed to stock back up. Courage on aisle twelve.
I was wearing my new wig, the dark brown sassy one with bangs. I sat towards the back between my parents. We sat away from any children so they couldn't cough on me. It's funny how I used to cringe with every sneeze I heard. I was fairly new to that church, but I think people knew. I mean, I was the girl in the scarf. The bald girl always has cancer. Plus I was bawling again.
The preist called us all up and I stood there with the others, probably the only one under fifty years old. I closed my eyes while the preist said his blessing over me and traced the sign of the cross on my forehead and palms. Even standing at the front of the church, among so many people I didn't know, it was just as intimate as before. I felt relieved for some reason. All the worry left my body and I was vulnerable again, as helpless as ever. I walked back to my parents and just cried. Public crying is kind of just a thing I do now, clearly.
This was the middle...the horrible awful middle. The middle is the hardest part of anything. Looking back and looking ahead become equally as hard. My life was all cancer, all the time. We were even learning about it in school. It was all I thought about, talked about, dreamt about. I was bald. I was tired. It was just the middle and I wanted it to be the end. Sometimes if I'm in a really bad place, I just close my eyes and wish for it to be the next day, year, anything. As if time really worked like that. As if I have any control. But, just like that I blinked and it WAS over. And it was...
the third time I was anointed (aka tonight):
I was just sitting in Mass surrounded by some friends. Corie and I were loudly butchering the unfamiliar music (we went to a different church because we overslept the morning Masses), when out of nowhere the priest announced that anyone who so chose could come up to be anointed. I quickly thought, "Yes, finally, I don't have to do stuff like that anymore! It's just for old people and people with cancer blah blah blah..." But, then a fear gripped my chest and I though maybe I should just in case. While I no longer craved it, I still couldn't say no. Then came the tears again. (See, I had very little time to prepare myself, which was not conducive to my emotional stability.) I held out my hands and took a deep breath as the priest blessed me. I walked back and sat down and smiled at my friends. Then I had the meltdown, right there on Corie's shoulder (It wasn't super bad noise wise though, I've kind of perfected the silent cry at this point, which is necessary when you do so much public crying.)
But this time I was crying for different reasons. I was so overwhelmed that I had just come out on the other side of that blink. Here I was eleven months later, and healthy again. I was being a normal twenty-four year old medical student and going to concerts and halloween parties and playing on the flag-football team. I was smiling for real and for myself and not for anyone else. I was crying and I was smiling and I was fine. And I am so fine.
I have reached the end of that chapter of my life. Most of the time I don't even think about any of it at all, but rather there are moments, songs, sights, smells, tastes that bring me back there. And it is in those moments that make me so glad that I have finished that blink. I closed my eyes eleven months ago, praying to come out on the other side. Now they are open.
I have opened my eyes.
Liv
if i kiss you where it's sore
will you feel better?
will you feel anything at all?
