binge and purge.

Fat Tuesday: a day we gorge ourselves on all the things we are about to "give up."It really is an insane concept. Just one more cookie, another round bartender, etc etc. Come Wednesday morning you are hungover, but resolute, right? Today's that day you turn your life around... well until you forget and definitely only for forty days. It's just something you do every year, for your waistline or for Jesus...

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I can do to simplify my life. And most importantly  how I can find happiness in that simplicity. I trimmed all the excess and as you read in that last post, tried to find beauty in the mundane, the everyday. And I made some changes.

And they are really just the biggest things.

I stopped stress-eating taco bell. I made yoga a priority. I studied, more (and better) than I thought was possible. I picked up my old journal. I listened more and (tried to) talk less. I slept. I crossed things off my long "to-do eventually" list. It's became this crazy, and to my surprise, wonderful feed-forward cycle.

I feel more like myself than I have in years. I feel happy and healthy. I am proud of myself for taking control of my own life. I had no help from the premise of "new year's resolutions" and/or Catholic guilt. (The fact that I didn't blog about it for a whole month is also definitely a big deal, you guys.) I woke up one day and I decided to let go. To let go in order to move forward.

I am really liking this new trajectory. (And how my pants fit again.)

And while it is so nice that I am losing some of that post-cancer weight I accumulated (probably from a little too much post-cancer celebrating) and it's awesome to smile at a test grade, what's more important is what happened when I threw out all that baggage I was trapped under. Because when I let go of everything I didn't need, I got my life back. And I gained purpose. 

Now, clearly I am not saying that all of you should give up bread and take up daily meditation in it's place. (And please, pleaseee don't take the title of this post seriously!) But, find what's been weighing you down and give that up for lent. Take this time to be honest with yourself. Maybe it's a relationship, or maybe it's a grudge. Maybe it's gossip or negativity. Maybe it's unnecessary worry. Maybe it is bread and being a lazy butt. (And if it's all of the above, then even better).

Wouldn't it be great if change finally had a chance at some staying power. If in forty days you had forgotten all about this "trial period" and you, well, changed. You had found purpose, and you liked it. You had more time to think about the things that really mattered and do more of the things that really mattered. Because you gave up all the stuff that just didn't.

What if we all traded something bad for something better?

Think about it.
Liv

Elation- Isbells
What is this?
It's kind of like...
All my body starts to shiver
Worries will no longer have
Oh, I've never felt like this before
Got to let it go
I'll shout it out
I will sing it from the heart.

This is right, this is good
Expressions of elation
A state of mind of which I'll try
To re-echo from the start
Come on! Shut it out
And release it from the heart...
Oo-hoo-oo-oo

medical school:

Talk on Indolence- Avett Brothers

Well I’ve been lockin' myself up in my house for sometime now
Readin' and writin' and readin' and thinkin' 
and searching for reasons and missing the seasons.
The Autumn, the Spring, the Summer, the snow. 
The record will stop and the record will go. 
Latches latched the windows down, 
the dog coming in and the dog going out. 
Up with caffeine and down with a shot. 
Constantly worried about what I’ve got. 
Distracting my work but I can’t make a stop 
and my confidence on and my confidence off. 
And I sink to the bottom and rise to the top 
and I think to myself that I do this a lot. 
World outside just goes it goes it goes it goes it goes it goes...
and witness it all from the blinds of my window.
THREE, FOUR

I'm a little nervous 'bout what you'll think
When you see me in my swimming trunks
And last night in New York I got raging drunk
Remember one time I got raging drunk with you 

Now, I can recall a time when we made the city
Streets our playground, kissing in the fountains
Filled with cigarettes and bottles
Sped through Italian city streets of cobblestone

Because we had to
Because I loved you
Because the damned alcohol
Beacuse what ever at all

Now I've grown to aware of my mortality
To let go and forget about dying
Long enough to drop the hammer down
And let the indolence go wild and flying through
Because we had to

a fresh snow.

Ahhh the first "snow" day of the year. Little children out "sledding" in the ice covered rainy streets and annoying the heck out of their parents. The postman cursing his existence. Me, sitting at my desk drinking mint tea in a onsie taking a break from an all day study marathon that I have yet to begin.

I think of all the negativity that surrounds me, that surrounds all of us. God, it's freezing and my car is making a weird noise and the overhead lighting in my room is finicky. And I'm single. And school is so hard and all-consuming. I could just hibernate and ignore it all and not talk to anyone. I could enjoy endless cups of mint tea and just say "screw it all" because the world is a cold, hard, miserable place... sometimes.

But only just sometimes...

Sometimes I wish everyone could see the world through new eyes. To see the beauty in the icicles and find a beautiful melody amongst the grumblings of generations.  To find peace in the chaos.

You see, there was a time when I was looking at it all wrong. I was trying to make my life perfect and pretty and neat. I was trying for the sake of perfect, pretty, neat. This picket fence and that kiss me when I get home husband. That christmas card. Sure, there is happiness to be found there... but what is the point? Because eventually you will get tired and that beauty will fade. Those icicles are just  daggers and the grumblings are just grumblings.

Instead, seek beauty. And not superficial beauty, but a deeper beauty found only in compassion, equality, and peace. Find it everywhere and share it with everyone you know. Clear away the cobwebs of negativity that seep into every little thing we do. Let's all lighten up a little, okay. Laugh a little.  Smile at a stranger.

And let's find that beauty in a traffic jam and a neuroscience textbook. Find it during those long logistics meetings and while cleaning the kitchen. Because let's face it, life isn't going anywhere anytime soon (hopefully) and most of it is just busy work. And personally, I don't want to miss out on all the fun of life because I am spending it cursing the car in front of me or dreading all of my school assignments. I'm going to try and find the beauty in it. Find meaning. Find that beautiful, true happiness. That fresh snow just waiting to be discovered.

So join me and seek beauty, too. Or I don't know, go find someone else to grumble to...
Liv

I've got a plan, I've got an atlas in my hands
I'm gonna turn when I listen to the lessons I've learned
-"Atlas Hands" Benjamin Francis Leftwich

twenty twelve.

A year from now I won't think about it. A year from now it will be January 4th 2014 and it will all just be a blip in my past. I won't think about how, a year ago, right this very moment was the worst day of my life, every single day.

A year can seem like such a long time...or like no time at all. Because there are a couple of years I don't even remember.. being 9, sophomore year of high school, toddlerdom... but man last year was a doozie. It was all ups and downs and nothing in between. It was a year of growth and realization and overcoming. I started this blog for the fun of it and it got all crazy emotional and sad. So in the spirit of coming full circle, I am going to bring a little bit of light and laughter back. Because, to be the super cliche that I am half the time, I feel that light and laughter creeping in more and more everyday. And thank God for that.

Sooooooo I have brought back the list!

Olivia's Top 10 Take Home Points of 2012:

10. I have a really nicely shaped bald head. I mean, it is possible that some people MAY NEVER KNOW THIS about themselves, and so in that sense I consider myself lucky.

9. Boy should be required to wear engagement rings.

8. What doesn't kill you doesn't always make you stronger. Usually what doesn't kill you, just almost kills you. Rather, YOU make you stronger.

7. Sometimes you fail. AND THAT'S OKAY as long as you really tried. You were meant for bigger and better things.

6. Ladies, if you want to attract lots of other ladies (if you know what I mean) I would recommend a short blond pixie cut. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

5. Holding on to and keeping in touch with those who matter is one of the most important things you can do. Even more important, though, is letting go of those who don't matter at all.

4. PET scan machines should have an "are you sure you want to delete this file?" screen that pops up after you click delete. Just saying. Might be helpful. I mean, my gmail has one...

3. Pie crust is best made with chilled butter. And my new kitchen aid stand mixer. And a glass of wine.

2. Sincerity, true sincerity, is rare and should be cherished. Same with making an A on a medical school exam.

1. Once in a while, check to make sure you are still breathing. Are you? Good, that means you're alive and you have everything to be grateful for. Now don't waste a second of this life which is so rare and special and unique that it will only be lived once. Make it count.

Alright, see you never 2012!
Liv

Won't you come see about me?
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby

Tell me your troubles and doubts
Giving me everything inside and out and
Love's strange so real in the dark
Think of the tender things that we were working on

Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby

Don't You Forget About Me
Don't Don't Don't Don't
Don't You Forget About Me

sloppy seconds.

The holidays are a time of mass chaos. Semesters finishing up. Presents to buy. A million parties to attend. Chat. Laugh. Cry. Repeat.

I wonder how we became the age of all consuming technology. How something so small blows up on the internet, the newest facebook sensation. Or how something so big and horrible becomes inescapable. How our lives become inescapable. Do-do-do and that boy is texting you, news alert, twitter mention, facebook e-vite.

So I have decided to unplug. And I guess this blog post is cheating but oh well. No one will read it anyway because I'm not going to post it to my "timeline" or tweet about it. It will just be our little secret.  I am taking this month off. From chaos and drama and virtual reality. I am doing yoga by myself and drinking lots of tea. I am reading. (I admit I am finishing up Grey's Anatomy). I am writing. I am seeing friends. I'd rather stare at my sweet sleeping puppies anyway than the screen of a stupid cell phone.

If you know me at all you know that I have never been this girl. But that was before. One year ago I was lying on the dang couch cursing those hyper puppies because I was so tired. I was pulling out my own hair, crying and begging for it to stay in just a little bit longer. I was sick. I was pleading to God. Then, then I was glued to my phone, to the distractions. To the prayers of hundreds of friends. To the emails that would eventually get me through this mess. I needed it. Craved the distraction. Life was too hard and I wanted to escape.

So I escaped into a world of blog posts and facebook messages and encouraging tweets. I escaped into the second year of medical school. I buried myself in books and inspirational quotes. I threw myself into a whirlwind relationship that was insane and so unnecessary. It was like trying to distract a toddler in the middle of a temper tantrum, "quick look over here, look at this new toy, please be quiet, if you are good we can stop for ice cream..."

But I made it. And here I reliving the moments that we all live every year. It's the end of another semester, it's the holidays, and it's being home for Christmas. Soon it will be my third year of medical school and then summer and then thanksgiving and then we will be back around again and again and again, if we are so lucky. Second helpings of the same ol' life with a brand new outlook.

Except this time I am not distracted.

I have never been so clear in my whole life. Like I said, I unplugged, and if you want to reach me, then well I don't know, maybe you should just come ring my door bell. The mountain air of East Tennessee is as cleansing as ever and I am soaking it all in. I am striving for peace of mind and for perspective and for restoration. I am recharging my batteries. Because Lord knows that it will all hit the fan again when January rolls around, for the second time since. Life will still be there and school will still be killer and I will still have to deal with a million medical appointments and follow-ups. But, I will take a deep breath and say "bring it on." I won't let myself be distracted.

I have landed on solid ground and this year, I am seeing things in a new light. It's my second Christmas since...and well, I can breathe. So leave me alone, unless you want to unplug with me, and then let's all grab some egg nog and cozy up by a fire somewhere. I swear they must have been happier in the "old days." Blissfully unaware of what was happening thousands of miles away and so blissfully aware of their own time and place. Lost in the eyes of someone across the room instead of in the lastest episode of Parks & Rec. Hand running through my hair instead of checking the score of the game. Real time conversation with real time laughter and tears.

Let's get back to that, okay?
Liv

It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters
And make fun of our exes
It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight
To fall in love with strangers
We're happy free confused and lonely at the same time
It's miserable and magical oh yeah
Tonight's the night when we forget about the deadlines, it's time 

all things grow, all things grow

I'm standing in a crowd of people. I'm swaying to the sweet, sweet voice of Sufjan Stevens. I'm smiling, so big. I'm happy. I'm right where I want to be. Where I am supposed to be.

Last night was exactly one year since I found out. Three hundred and sixty five days ago, at this very moment, I was waking up in the ICU after having what felt like a million emergency procedures and biopsies. I was waking up. Waking up to a life that wasn't what it should be, what it could be...

Then I changed. I changed so many things. It's amazing what can happen in just one year. How just one hurdle can throw off the entire course of your life... for better or for worse. I am running in the right direction now. It's all going to be okay, better.

I feel more like myself now. I fill up every inch of every day with love. I am bursting at the seams with love. I am running towards a life full of meaning. I am trying to be better, to do better.

And now here I am. I am not perfect. But I am here.

Where I should be.

 
I was in love with the place
In my mind, in my mind
I made a lot of mistakes
In my mind, in my mind

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go

If I was crying
In the van with my friend
It was for freedom
From myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

(Sufjan Stevens- Chicago)

snooze.

Everywhere I look recently I see ghosts. I feel tired. I am tired from shoving it all back inside. I am tired of bringing it up. I know no one wants to hear it anymore.

It's been a whole year...

So here goes, another cathartic free for all mess of emotion. I will speak into the empty space so I can finally stop choking on the words..."remember then, I can't believe it still, I was so tired, I was so sick, what a crazy thing, but I'm good now, different, so good.." Things could not possibly be more different now. Different people, different house, different way of seeing things, different challenges. I am so different. Yet I keep coming back to the same.

It's just my mind. It is so jumbled. Trying to separate the sameness out from the constantly changing background. Trying to hang on for dear life to that feeling. To that desperate thankfulness. To those tears of joy.

No one is happy all that time.

I feel like I am cheating. Wake up, study, eat, sleep, breathe, breathe, breathe. Sameness. How easily we all forget what it's like to be upside down. How easily we sink back into where it is too comfortable. How easily we let that different slip though our fingers. We readjust to the different so it too becomes part of the same. We recalibrate. We keep moving forward. We keep breathing.

I lust for someone to come along and wake me up. Yearn for it. Slap some damn sense into me. Open my eyes. Yet, I know there is no one capable of a gesture so grand. Well no one that is, except for myself. And right now I am just hitting that snooze button, sliding deeper under the covers, shielding myself from the cold, from the dark, from the sameness. I am scared of not feeling. Of becoming mediocre. Of being a fraud.

I guess that's normal.

So for now I will retreat back under those covers to protect my vulnerabilities. My sanity. My sameness. For just a minute longer. Knowing that I WILL find that place where I am hiding and I will invite myself to see life upside down, again. To break through that sameness that is so comfortable but so terribly smothering.

I will, I promise, but just one minute more....

Liv

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this