Why thank you John Mayer for writing this pretty little song about me. Clearly this is about that one time you met me. LOL.
Alright so this is my obligatory pump up pre-test post. Send MUCHO prayers our way tomorrow between 12:20 and 4:30 as we kick this block exams mean little booty!!!
I had a biopsy of the "swollen gland" on Monday and found out this morning that it is a benign salivary gland adenoma. Which is good news. For all you non-medical people benign means good. But adenoma still means tumor. It it totally unrelated to my Hodgkin's, but we are going to take it out anyway for peace of mind. What the heck is wrong with my body. Is it just like... "let's grow more stuff all over Olivia's body ... like clearly what is already Olivia isn't enough... obviously the world needs MORE of her." LOL. (Absolutely NOT true. I think the world has all it can handle ALREADY thank you very much.)
It kind of scared me though. Waiting for the biopsy results. Because if it had been anything worse, I'm not sure what I would have done. But, thank God it is all going to be okay and a simple procedure is all it needs to be gone from my life. And I thank God all the time now for just being able to get back to my normal routine. I mean, this weekend will be the FIRST time I won't have to get chemo... I will be 15 days POST CHEMO for the first time in SIX MONTHS. I am beyond excited and even though I have to spend it studying, I am actually kind of excited to have this time to study and not feel rushed or have chemo brain the whole time. I am going to be so productive (after I stop blogging... hmmm... lol).
Today, my Mom sent me this link to this music video made by a 22 year old Leukemia patient set to Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger". Now that may or may not have been my not-so-secret cancer anthem throughout this whole process. I might or might not have sang this song at the top of my lungs on the way to several appointments and just in general alone in my apartment. It has an amazing message: "what doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER." And geez louis if that isn't the truest thing of all time.
(I especially LOVE the "making of" video... made me cry more than the actual music vid.)
None of this shit... yep I said it... this SHIT... has killed me. And it isn't going to. Sometimes I just forget with all this other background noise (important or otherwise) going on around me. With the passing of my grandmother, the intensity of trying to finish school, losing a friendship, my neck hurting from that dang biopsy. Everything piles up all at one time. But, my life is actually glorious. And watching that music video helps pull things back into perspective. I mean, it's not like I even look at those kids and think- "hey they've got it worse than me"... they might.... but dammit, I am kind of one of them now. I am a cancer SURVIVOR. I am Olivia Ann Morin. I had cancer and I kicked its mean little behind to the curb.
And cancer doesn't define me.
As a NORMAL PERSON I have the same stupid fears and distractions that any "normal" twenty-three year old female has on a daily basis. "Why can't he just call me..." "I should lose five pounds" "Wish that girl would stop chatting so loud during class" "Is that a zit" "WHY CAN'T MY HAIR GROW FASTER"(Ok that last one may not apply to all normal girls.) AND HOW STUPID DOES THAT SOUND. What is one boy or one zit in the scheme of things? It SEEMS like everything now, but wow how it is really isn't.
I think I need to take a lesson from my cancer-self and let what doesn't kill me make me stronger. Learn from every experience and every failure. Use all of my trials and struggles and sadness to come out on top. They are just stops along the way in my life. So hey, if that boy never wants to talk to me ever again... then oh well... I've got my bad ass self to get me through. And the strength that I have gained through those experiences, although not anywhere as intense or important as the strength that I gained by kicking cancers butt, still gets put in my back pocket. Waiting to be pulled out in the future whenever the need may arise. This bad ass twenty three year old is only going to get stronger. Ready for anything the future may throw my way (and if it has been anything like my present... then I am going to need a lot of strength stored up.)
So be it little trial or big bad trial. Important or seemingly unimportant. Passing or more permanent.
Sadness over a grade or a boy or a diagnosis. They are all trials and they are all my life. Either I need to overcome them or be resigned to sadness and anger for the rest of my life (not an option.)
I refuse to be angry or sad or anything that my life dictates me to be. I choose to be happy.
Liv
PS If you are having a down day just throw this song on it's been working quite well for me...
Mika- One Foot Boy
What's a matter with going places? Take that gross look off your faces Empty loving makes me seasick What you're here for, I don't need it
I'll say nothing on your microphone Till you swear to take me home There's a one foot boy eleven stone He's sitting on my shoulder I'm too scared to look away, He comes here almost everyday And everyday I push him off and tell him boy we're over
MY OH MY I think my mind is gone I'm left here wondering Was I crazy all along? What do I do? Nothing left but pray Gonna shoot somebody Help me drive this craziness away I'm happy on my own
One foot boy! Say you like me, But not with changes? Shut up and forget it These are my faces All these colours That surround me All these places Only drown me
"Au Ciel Au Ciel Au Ciel J'irai le voir un jour. "
This is the song I remember from my Grandpa Pete's funeral. And I remember my Grandma's beautiful voice singing her little heart out. Her adorable and perfect French Canadian accent. The tears in her eyes.
And now she is gone.
Grandma Laura passed away peacefully at 3:30am today. I can just see her now, as my dad described her, pointing up to Heaven and declaring "I'm ready to go.... now hand me some of those chips you've been hiding over there."
And I know she was ready, surrounded by the people she loved and by those who loved her. I just wish I could have been there. Could be there now. But, I can't. And that's just life. But my thoughts and prayers and my everything is with my family right now. I miss all of you so much and love all of you even more.
You see, if my family has taught me anything it is love. Especially my parents and grandparents. Their relationships so strong. Built on friendship and partnership and most importantly love. I can only hope to find that in my life. And know that one day when I do I will it will be 'til death do us part. Because I know there is a joyous reunion happening right now as I type, and that Grandpa Pete and Grandma Laura are smiling down upon all of us... finally together again.
I think about how they both grew up without much at all. And how they met in that little diner across the Canadian border, Grandma Laura barely able to speak English. Goodness, I have heard that story so many times and I just love it. I think about all the stories that I have heard over the years, over and over again, and how I never tired of hearing them and how I never will. Of all the silly and sometimes even dirty jokes that they would both tell. Grandma Laura laughing but blushing a little. And Grandpa Pete pretending like he didn't know they were dirty at all. I think of all the practical jokes Grandpa Pete used to play, and how Grandma Laura smiled when she retold them to us sitting around that sunroom that one December. I think of how perfectly they complemented eachother. I think of the hours we all spent playing cribbage. But, mostly the even more countless hours I just spent listening and learning.
I learned so much from both of them. More than they will ever know, except that they do know because I truly believe that they are watching over all of us right now. (And If you are listening right now, I love you both so so so much. And miss you already Grandma. And miss you so much Grandpa. But I am glad that you are both home in Heaven and happy and at peace.)
And I know they are in Heaven. Because the world has never known two finer people. Two more selfless and loving people. They gave everything they had for their children and their grandchildren and neighbors and even random strangers.
You taught me how important it is to love... everyone. Strangers, even. Because everyone deserves love and kindness. And if we are blessed with excess than we must give to those in need. Without expecting anything in return. Without even expecting any credit. Because this life is not about material things or money or clothes or success. But it is about love. And it is about doing the most good that you can in the time you are given here on Earth.Thank you so much for teaching me that. I can only aspire to be a half, no, a quarter of the people that you both were.
I guess I just wanted to say that. To put that down in writing. To help me cope. Because even though I know she was ready, I wasn't. But it is going to be okay, I just need to stop bawling my eyes out. Just take a deep breath and go back to living my life. And try that much harder to live the life that God wants me to, so that one day when it is my time, I can play endless cribbage with both of them again up in Heaven. But, until then I can only try to live as selflessly and as kind and with as much love as they both did...and hope that when I go I will be able to look around at all the faces of all the people who love me and who I love and hold their hands as I slip peacefully away, knowing that I have lived a full and meaningful life and that I will live on in the hearts of others. Because Grandma Laura and Grandpa Pete, you live on in all of us.
I love you. We love you. And this isn't goodbye but see you later.
Au Ciel, J'irai vous voir un jour... In Heaven, I am going to see you again one day.
Go hug/call/write to your grandparents...right now.
Olivia
So y'all remember wayyyy back to that first post when I said I was going to drop some knowledge on you?? Wellllll, three months ago when I started this I thought that I might have some kind of epiphany when this was all "over". But, truth is, I realize that I know even LESS now than when I started this whole process. And that is kinda scary. I am NEVER going to know all of life's secrets, not even a fraction of them, not even if I spend my whole life searching.
But this IS what I learned:
1) You just have to let go.
I know I have said this a million times. But, I am just such a control freak that I think this was the hardest lesson for me to learn. I have learned that most things in my life are COMPLETELY out of my control. And I am slowly but surely learning to take a deep breath and LET GO, shake it off, and put that little smile back on my face. Worrying and analyzing are overrated. Why waste your life thinking of what could have been? Why waste your precious time on this earth questioning reality? Why not just live in it and make the best of it?? I am pretty sure (seeing as I have been there) that things really are going to be okay. (And geez if they REALLY aren't then you might want to reevaluate where you are going with your life! Get it together, people!)
2)You are going to have to wait at the doctor's office. Get over it.
One of the most frustrating things about this experience: scheduling and waiting for the numerous doctor's appointments. I didn't just drop everything when I got cancer, so why do they think I have time for a PET scan on a random Tuesday morning, especially when I have to wait two hours before even getting called back? Well I didn't have that time... but I sat there... and waited... and tried to follow #1s advice and let go. But, as a future doctor (fingers crossed) this will be my every day reality. I will see patients who do not want their lives to revolve around appointment after appointment. Patients who have real frustrations with how their health is getting in the way of living. Patients who have real fears which only heighten their aggravation of having to wait. Patients who associate waiting with bad/scary/unclear test results. I know because I have been all of these patients. And hopefully, I can take this experience and maybe comfort someone in the future who is having similar fears/anxiety/frustrations. This system will never change (well not in the near future anyway) but the people who work in it could be more understanding and patient and explanatory and most of all comforting.
3)All you can do is your BEST. Sometimes it isn't good enough. Most times it will be.
We've all been there: you work your butt off, and... still fail. If we were all meant to succeed at everything then where would that put us? Different people have different strengths and sometimes you just aren't good enough. Bet your momma never told you that one, huh? Well, I am here to tell you that it is true. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Please TRY! No one ever got anywhere moping around and thinking they weren't good enough. If you try, REALLY TRY, you will get somewhere. And maybe it isn't the somewhere you thought you would end up, but hey, it may be even better :)
4) Say "I love you" every damn day. To everyone who matters.
Now this should be a no brainer. But, there was a time in my life when I was scared to say I love you, and I know that almost every single person reading this right now has experienced that very same fear. Be it to your parents, grandparents, best friend, dog, love of your life. JUST TELL THEM. Life is too dang short to keep all that locked away inside. And don't just stop there, really show them you love them. Go out of your way to do something nice, or drop them a line, or just be there. Because actions speak so much louder than words. And words are so useless without actions. If you stop reading this to go call your Mom or hug your best friend that's okay... just come back 'cause I'm saving the best lesson for last.
5) I have the BEST friends and family a girl could ever ask for.
I think this goes without saying, and it's not really something I have learned because I already knew this. But, I could not have done this would you all. I love you all and cannot say THANK YOU enough!!! And if I've learned anything it is that I am truly the LUCKIEST girl alive.
6) God really doesn't give you more than you can handle. I promise.
Now, I said this at the beginning to myself when I was diagnosed. It was a comfort to think it was true, but I wasn't sure if I REALLY believed it. But let me tell you I do now. Lots of times I though I was just going to give up and just not make it out the other side: but that's when God gave me a helping hand. That helping hand came in the form of a friend, a phone call, a book, or even a song. Sometimes it was just closing my eyes and feeling God's arms around me. And here I am living proof. God answers prayers and He will not lead you to something if He cannot get you through it. It is not easy, by all means, but it is POSSIBLE.
7) You don't have to change the world to make a change.
I think some people think that they have to come out of these "life changing" experiences and immediately have to change the world. Um hello??!! I think I just beat cancer, maybe I can take a little breather now! It's okay to take some time and reflect and maybe even get a mani/pedi and THEN start on those crazy world-changing plans. And this obviously doesn't just apply to me, but to everyone. Start small and use what you know. Reach out to someone in need, volunteer, just be a BETTER PERSON. And don't beat yourself up if you aren't immediately Mother Teresa... take it one step at a time and give 100% to the things you do pursue. And make sure those things you pursue are going to leave this world a better place (or at least not a worse place!)
8) Life isn't always fun. But it can be if you make it. Smiling, laughing, etc can get you through anything.
Just saying- chemo is NOT fun. But, I have had some good times in that little infusion room. From the great heart to heart chats with my mother, to creepin' on boys with Heather, to all out chemo party with Nathan, Malia, JB, and Liz. Now if that isn't making the best of any situation than I don't know what is! And I have found that if you just smile... things really do seem better and they will be easier. Who wants to live a sad/miserable life anyway?? Find something fun in each day and do it. The world could use more laughter.
9) It is not good days or bad days. It is just DAYS.
Well, y'all here is my last piece of advice, and something I am trying my hardest to live by everyday: it isn't good days or bad days... IT IS JUST DAYS. Everyday has the potential to be what you want it to be. And everyday is a gift, whether it feels that way or not, we are HERE and we are ALIVE. I guess it is up to us how we live each day...what is that quote again, oh yes, "we are not creatures of circumstance, we are CREATORS of circumstance."(-B. Disreali) So LIVE each day as you want it to be lived. It is entirely up to you. Even in the most awful of circumstances, happiness can be found. I am so thankful for my LIFE and don't want to waste a second of it on a "bad day," and neither should you!
So this may be my last post for a bit since I have to get serious about studying for this cardiology block and our final at the end of May (like I haven't been serious this whole time, who am I kidding, I don't know how much more serious I can be!! haha). But, I hope that you all have taken away something from my ramblings. Because it has been completely necessary and cathartic for me. So THANK YOU for reading!! BUT don't think you are getting off that easy- you haven't heard the last of me yet. No way I could cut this whole blogging thing cold-turkey now.
I AM DONE. Boom roasted cancer. I kicked your butt!
Before I look back and reflect on this with an epic blog post (tomorrow probs), I think I just want a little time to decompress. So good night and good riddance cancer. 'Cause I am done with you.... but I will carry your lessons forward with me for the rest of my life.
This song really sums up what I feel right now! Played it in the car on the way back from my LAST CHEMO with Liz and Malia. And IT FELT AMAZING! THE DOG DAYS ARE OVER :) Please have a good jam sesh right now if you have the time... and if you don't have the time... MAKE THE DANG TIME! If you have learned anything from me... REMEMBER, you only live once :)
"Dog Days Are Over" - Florence + the Machine
Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run
Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come
And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come
Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run
Ok I'm getting sleepy from those anti-emetics, I guess. Oh well...come Monday I will be on my way to finally FINALLY feeling 100% again in a few weeks and I CANNOT WAIT!! (Can you tell I am excited, hehe...)
I LOVE YOU ALL, EVERY ONE OF YOU. Proper thank you's to come tomorrow in epic blog post, much too sleepy now to organize any of those thoughts. And my eye's have cried their last tear (happy tear) for the night. I think my tear ducts need to recharge for sure!!
Good night beautiful beautiful world :)
Every one tell someone special that they love them RIGHT NOW! Hug your best friend and call your mother!! You've only got one life people, let's LIVE IT RIGHT!!!
So my brilliant and amazing little sister is graduating from college... like in a week!! And I think we could all learn a little lesson from her. Now, not all of you know her, but let me tell you she is the most kind hearted person I have ever known. She would literally drop anything to help you. But she also lives life to the fullest, which we all know is my kind of person.
She sent me this silly picture yesterday that had the caption "sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm." I laughed at first...well because of the silly picture... but then I started thinking about what that meant. And maybe I am looking into it too much, but I got a little deep (me? deep? haha.) My sister and I are basically constantly "bringing the thunder." It is just how we were raised. Everything we do is at 100%, at least. Because, well if you aren't going to give it your best than what is the point. Give it your best and you will have no regrets.
But because of this, sometimes we "get lost in the storm." You give it your all and put in everything you have.. and well sometimes it doesn't go as planned, or it gets messy, or your best isn't enough. And it isn't for lack of trying, it is just life. Maybe that boy you liked just didn't work out, or that test was tricky, or that friend disappointed you, or maybe you get cancer. But, hey, you gave it your best shot, right?? And you just have to keep firing. No one will EVER say that these sisters are anything less than determined and persistent (totally get that from our mom's side).
Is it messy sometimes? Heck yes it is! Is it fun and meaningful and inspiring and fulfilling?? TOTALLY. Because through this whole-hearted approach to life we find meaning. And we find purpose. And joy. And love.
So here's to you little sister for being my inspiration and my role-model. For giving life everything you've got and never backing down from a challenge. Know that I am always here for you and love you more than anything. I am so proud of you!!!!
