11:12

So I may or may not have a lot free time on my hands lately. Run down of today. Woke up at 11am. Watched 5ish episodes of Community. Zumba'ed for an hour. (Determined to reach my cachectic weight by the end of the summer- I bought like four new pairs of pants then that I would like to continue to wear). Ate a little late lunch. Now I'm blogging by the pool. Lake later with dad. Life is good.

Last night while watching hockey with my mom, I looked over at the clock at 11:11. (We recorded the game) And I made a wish. And it got me thinking about all the wishes I have made in the past that may or may not have come true. I guess I can disclose a few of those past wishes now: I wished:
- to do well on the MCAT
-that my plane would land safely the first time I went to France
-that so and so boy would like me
-to get into medical school
-that my PET scan would be negative
-that so and so boy would leave her
-to pass my final block exam
-to do well on every medical school test
-that my mom would forgive me
-that I would get better
-that chemo wouldn't make me too sick
-to be happy

I don't always wish for something important, it is just what is consuming my thoughts at the time. And therefore, soo seemingly important at the time. All these wishes tell just what I was thinking at certain points in time. Like chapter headings to my life.

What makes me move on from one wish to another? Sometimes I get just what I wished for. But not because I wished it, but because I worked my butt of to achieve it. Some things just fell into place. Other things just don't work out and I choose to move on. Like when I never got off the wait list to my top choice medical school. Or when he never left her.

It's funny to me how I just keep right on wishing though. At 11:11. When I closed my eyes so hard at the Trevi fountain. On every stray eyelash. Because I am not superstitious.  And I know that wishing won't do anything to change my life. But, I guess it is more than wishing, it is a prayer. It is just a predetermined time where I calm my mind and send up that one prayer to a God who I know is listening. Maybe I should start making 11:12 a moment of silence so I have time to listen for a reply.

But there is one thing I don't wish for anymore: to be happy. Because I am happy. Through all of this mess, I have realized that happiness is a choice. And I smile a lot, like REALLY SMILE. A smile that begins deep within myself, only emerging on my lips after filling my whole self with contentment and joy.

So now I am off to play with our new lake toys (jet skis!!!) with my dad. Feeling that wind through my baby ducky hair as we zip though the beautiful water. Surrounded by the gorgeous mountains that could make anyone believe in a magnificent God. Taking a moment of silence and breathing in His glory, loving every minute of my blessed life... as I truly and deeply smile.

Liv