Growth.

I had a biopsy of the "swollen gland" on Monday and found out this morning that it is a benign salivary gland adenoma. Which is good news. For all you non-medical people benign means good. But adenoma still means tumor.  It it totally unrelated to my Hodgkin's, but we are going to take it out anyway for peace of mind. What the heck is wrong with my body. Is it just like... "let's grow more stuff all over Olivia's body ... like clearly what is already Olivia isn't enough... obviously the world needs MORE of her." LOL. (Absolutely NOT true. I think the world has all it can handle ALREADY thank you very much.)

It kind of scared me though. Waiting for the biopsy results. Because if it had been anything worse, I'm not sure what I would have done. But, thank God it is all going to be okay and a simple procedure is all it needs to be gone from my life. And I thank God all the time now for just being able to get back to my normal routine. I mean, this weekend will be the FIRST time I won't have to get chemo... I will be 15 days POST CHEMO for the first time in SIX MONTHS. I am beyond excited and even though I have to spend it studying, I am actually kind of excited to have this time to study and not feel rushed or have chemo brain the whole time. I am going to be so productive (after I stop blogging... hmmm... lol).

Today, my Mom sent me this link to this music video made by a 22 year old Leukemia patient set to Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger". Now that may or may not have been my not-so-secret cancer anthem throughout this whole process. I might or might not have sang this song at the top of my lungs on the way to several appointments and just in general alone in my apartment. It has an amazing message: "what doesn't kill you makes you STRONGER." And geez louis if that isn't the truest thing of all time. 

(I especially LOVE the "making of" video... made me cry more than the actual music vid.)

None of this shit... yep I said it... this SHIT... has killed me. And it isn't going to. Sometimes I just forget with all this other background noise (important or otherwise) going on around me. With the passing of my grandmother, the intensity of trying to finish school, losing a friendship, my neck hurting from that dang biopsy. Everything piles up all at one time. But, my life is actually glorious. And watching that music video helps pull things back into perspective. I mean, it's not like I even look at those kids and think- "hey they've got it worse than me"... they might.... but dammit, I am kind of one of them now. I am a cancer SURVIVOR. I am Olivia Ann Morin. I had cancer and I kicked its mean little behind to the curb.

And cancer doesn't define me.

As a NORMAL PERSON I have the same stupid fears and distractions that any "normal" twenty-three year old female has on a daily basis. "Why can't he just call me..." "I should lose five pounds" "Wish that girl would stop chatting so loud during class" "Is that a zit" "WHY CAN'T MY HAIR GROW FASTER"(Ok that last one may not apply to all normal girls.) AND HOW STUPID DOES THAT SOUND. What is one boy or one zit in the scheme of things? It SEEMS like everything now, but wow how it is really isn't.

I think I need to take a lesson from my cancer-self and let what doesn't kill me make me stronger. Learn from every experience and every failure. Use all of my trials and struggles and sadness to come out on top. They are just stops along the way in my life. So hey, if that boy never wants to talk to me ever again... then oh well... I've got my bad ass self to get me through. And the strength that I have gained through those experiences, although not anywhere as intense or important as the strength that I gained by kicking cancers butt, still gets put in my back pocket. Waiting to be pulled out in the future whenever the need may arise. This bad ass twenty three year old is only going to get stronger. Ready for anything the future may throw my way (and if it has been anything like my present... then I am going to need a lot of strength stored up.)

So be it little trial or big bad trial. Important or seemingly unimportant. Passing or more permanent.
Sadness over a grade or a boy or a diagnosis. They are all trials and they are all my life. Either I need to overcome them or be resigned to sadness and anger for the rest of my life (not an option.)

I refuse to be angry or sad or anything that my life dictates me to be. I choose to be happy. 
Liv

PS If you are having a down day just throw this song on it's been working quite well for me...

Mika- One Foot Boy


What's a matter 
with going places? 
Take that gross look off your faces 
Empty loving makes me seasick 
What you're here for, I don't need it 


I'll say nothing on your microphone 
Till you swear to take me home 
There's a one foot boy eleven stone 
He's sitting on my shoulder 
I'm too scared to look away, 
He comes here almost everyday 
And everyday I push him off and tell him boy we're over 


MY OH MY 
I think my mind is gone 
I'm left here wondering 
Was I crazy all along? 
What do I do? 
Nothing left but pray 
Gonna shoot somebody 
Help me drive this craziness away 
I'm happy on my own 


One foot boy! 

Say you like me, 
But not with changes? 
Shut up and forget it 
These are my faces 
All these colours 
That surround me 
All these places 
Only drown me