Baby Ducky Head.

Basically, there are two types of people in this world:
those who have seen me bald and those who obviously aren't cool enough.

Now, I am just kidding. But, I still feel like it is a huge step x8million. I don't know, I guess I just feel like it will weird people out...or that they won't be able to handle it. Or that it will just make people sad because every time they look at me they will remember that I am sick.

I guess I may never get to that point where I can just strut my "V for Vendetta" down the sidewalk... which seems like the opposite of what I would normally do, seeing as I am self confident to a fault, all the time. Something about being bald is just different to me more than any other thing about this.... it is just so.... obviously... in your face? Maybe? I don't know...

What I do know is that it is all temporary and after it grows back (hopefully not into a mullet like it did as a child...I mean I guess I did grow up next to the fastest half mile...haha) I will never take having hair for granted again! In the mean time, I guess I will just sit back and rub my little ducky haired head....

I leave you with a totally-relevant-to-this-post pick me up for the evening...
Seinfeld- You're Bald!!

Liv

Everything Bagel. Laughter. Bon Iver.

Today was good.

I studied a lot. But I laughed a lot, too.

I got to sit out in the sun with my everything bagel and my tomato soup...oh yes and of course Malia. It was a nice study break before we got into super serious study mode. At least I got to catch up on Pathology and by tomorrow it will be like I was never behind at all hopefully.  Later, I even got my Starbucks on with Nathan where we chatted about the ridiculousness of our lives and just laughed it off.. I think laughing is the theme of my life. As it should be.

Also stumbled upon this bon iver youtube jam session and it is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard in my life... I just want to roll around in it, basically.  Justin Vernon, if you can hear me... I am single. And available. Only for you. But seriously... I cried a lil' not gonna lie...

It seems like a night for something beautiful.
'Night internet world.
Liv

On a scale from 1 to Adele...

....I am about at an "Adele" level of sad about my friends and sis leaving just now. But, I am so glad that they could visit, having friends like that is an amazing distraction from feeling sick and down, or was that the zofran 8mgs q12hrs. We may never be sure... ha.

So after they left, I went to mass and I swear that priest LIVES in my head. Every homily is basically the story of my life... and in a way I am thankful that God has been able to speak to me and help me through this in that way. Sometimes it is difficult to quiet all the thoughts in my head and just really listen to what He is trying to say to me.... but this is what I got out of this week between thinking about studying and treatments and other stuff...

Change is hard.

Father Kris started talking about Lent and how it is a time to change habits and reassess your life. And then he told this story about a beggar who was given these beautiful new clothes from the King so that he could be warm, but then didn't wear them because, well, he wasn't ready to change and the unknown and different made him uncomfortable.

In a way, aren't we all like that beggar? Given a second chance but are too afraid to take it. I hope that during this whole "second chance" that I have been given I will be able to look back and say I made the right changes.

Just like I change my awesome pretty little wigs- and loving the dark redish purpleish one that I rocked last night! haha....

Ok done being epic for a while.
Liv

Considering.

Man, I am really blogging it up lately. Right now, it is because all of my friends are out, and I am staying in because I have "chemo fatigue." But don't worry I have "Say Yes to the Dress" to keep me company.... although I should be snuggling up to Rubin's Pathology. Oh well, as Nathan would say, "I can't be bothered..."

So insight of the day: I am really good at looking healthy. Even though I felt like crap, I made an effort to get up and get ready and actually had a pretty good day. No one would had even thought that I had just had chemotherapy less than 24 hours before. I realized this when I went back to the clinic to get my shot of Nulasta today. Everyone around me just looked so miserable. I couldn't help but thank God for making me such a strong person.

But, what does being strong mean? To me, it is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it is helping me through all of this mess, but a curse because it causes me to be too hard on myself. I mean sometimes, I just have to learn to let go a little bit and realize that I am SICK. And that it is OK for me to take nap, or put off reading Rubin's for a day or two. Recently I have been on this weird kick where I got super upset when someone told me that I was "doing awesome, considering." Well, that just made me mad because I just wanted to do awesome...period. Not CONSIDERING. No ifs, ands, or buts. And I AM doing awesome...dammit.

Well, today I just realized how stupid that was. I guess just seeing all of those sick people at the clinic yesterday and today made me really feel like I could EASILY just give up and be miserable. I could have EASILY taken the year off of school. I could EASILY lay around all day and mope. BUT I DON'T. So there... I guess all of this is considering... considering I AM sick. It just took me taking a step back and really looking at my life, and really thinking about what I am doing. And how well I am actually doing to finally realize that.

Now, I really don't mean to sound braggy. I mean I don't make all A's, sometimes I watch too much Food Network, and yes, sometimes I can be cranky. But CONSIDERING, I am just doing the best I can. And that is finally becoming enough for me... I finally feel like I am doing this whole thing right.

This is kind of a big deal epiphany for me... I mean it's hard to let go of perfection. But, what does make it easier for me are my wonderful friends. I just appreciate all of them so much, near and far, new and old. And on that note, I am so excited to welcome my bestie and sis to Memphis for the weekend. They will be here so soon, and then we will crack open my favorite bottle of wine and chat the night away. Well until chemo fatigue sets in, I suppose.

Alright y'all. I guess maybe I should crack open Chapter 3 of Rubin's and learn some more about tissue repair and regeneration ... but maybe just one more episode of "Say Yes to the Dress"? You know what,  I think I will just sit here and do just that. Because I deserve it!! (and because all of my friends are out anyway, so no way I will fall behind in the mean time, haha.)

Hmmm... hope this blog isn't taking up too much of your time... because it surely is taking up way to much of mine! But, it does feel good to do something besides study 24/7! Love y'all!
Liv

Free Balding-it

7 down. 5 to go.

Well since as a rule I WILL NOT mix chemo and schoolwork on the same night. I have decided to word vomit all over this page (...no actual vomit yet, though, thank you modern medicine). And since my brain is slightly tired/jumbled...for multiple reasons.... I am going to make this post all about the list.

List one: Bald Pros and Cons
Pros
*sleeping in 20 more minutes every morning
*any hairstyle I freakin want is just a wig away
*wigs to match the day. aka lucky sped wig
*touching my head feels amazing, how do boys not rub their short hair all day???
*hats are adorable on me
*I got to legit get my hair cut a a real barbershop
*cannot wait to see what its like when it grows back. dark brown? thick? I hope so!
Cons
*cannot tell where to stop putting on makeup... where is my hair/hat line???
*when was the last time I showered?? Cannot tell.
*that awkward moment when I reach up to twirl my hair...
*headphones over wig? headphones over hat/scarf?
*everyone knows I have cancer
*waiting for it to grow back


List two: Tho do's and dont's of cancer list:

Please don't
*ever say that I did great, "considering"
*treat me differently
*pity me
*cough with you mouth open next to me
*take a bite of my damn eggs before I even take a bite (haha Corie... you will never live that down)




But, please do:
*love on my wigs

*tell me I am awesome
*keep in touch
*make cancer jokes
*ask me anything you want about it
*ask me to show you my PET scans
*understand when I don't feel good









List three: funny cancer moments
*barbershop moment
*anything henry dodd says: especially the whispered "cancer, leave my friend alone"
*reading webpath questions that are basically my life
*getting to be a pirate with Malia, especially when we also make Nathan a blanket turban




List four: reasons why I am exhausted right now:
*chemo #7
*late night ridiculous chats of all kinds and with all kinds
*the guilt of not studying tonight
*my strange addiction to the food network
*this blog right now

Okay bed is calling my name. Night night :)
Liv

Morning Jam Sesh.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone


Good day for an anthem. Thanks Kel.
Liv

Left turn on red.

So I don't want to freak anyone out.... but I just made a left turn on red. I mean, there were no cars coming and the other way had a green...and it just seemed like my turn. Guess I must be distracted or something. I guess it just takes moments like that to realize that you live your life on autopilot. What was I thinking about, you might ask?? Well, I might ask myself the same question.

Sometimes it just feels like this is my life: blah blah blah...cancer...blah blah.. cancer cancer... blah blah blah. When I wake up in the morning, it's all like "hey baldy, looking good!" And then I go to class and learn about cancer (cannot wait for hematology block next! haha!) And then I have to plan my studying around cancer. And then people ask me about my cancer. Starting to see a theme here.

Now I'm not complaining... like I said before I have been dealt a pretty good hand... one of the cards is just torn in half. I can deal. (omg I am so punny.) But, the most difficult thing about all of this is the ups and downs. Like today I feel amazing, and I know tomorrow after I receive my 7th round of chemotherapy, I will feel like absolute crap. The anticipation of that is killing me, and I already feel gross just thinking about it. But I have to do it. This isn't a choice. It's me putting on my big girl panties and sitting in a chair for two hours. Dammit.

Wow, moody, real it in. Ok ok ok it is not all bad and I have my friends to lean on and make me laugh when I get like this. And my sister and some amazing friends are coming to visit this weekend, which will help. Basically, what I am saying is that I just cannot wait for the day when this isn't all I think about. And I have heard from a good friend that that day will come, eventually. And sooner than I may think. And I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT FOR THIS SHIT TO BE OVER AND GONE!

Ahhhh.... ok I feel better now. What? You thought this blog was going to be all sunshine and puppies after that first post, eh? Well, now you know.  I am a surprisingly complex little lady full of all kinds of emotions. Sometimes, they have no where to go but out and this blog was just here to catch them for me!

Catch you on the other side of 7.
Liv

100mg laughter PRN

 My goals for blogging:
*drop some crazy insight on life all over the place
*pretend to be hilarious
*have something the do during the five minutes I am not studying
*update family and friends and internet strangers of my progress
*write down my "feelings"
*meet Oprah... (Natasa, get on this)

Okay, so now I am just being silly, and that is kind of how I want this to go anyway. If there is ANYTHING that I have learned through this whole process, it is that you cannot and should not take life too seriously.

Wow, how rude of me, allow me to introduce myself: My name is Olivia and I am a medical student, sister, daughter, friend, and cancer patient. Yep, I just went there. The quick gist of it all: I was diagnosed in December with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I am halfway through my treatment. And I am ok. (Shew, glad we got that out of the way...)

Basically, I went into this process one person and came out the other side with an entirely new outlook on life.  Like I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself, sometimes you just have to laugh at your life. Life is crazy and no one of us can or will ever see any of it coming.  The more you try to control it, the less control you actually have. You have just got to go with it... Otherwise, you will never be happy. And surprisingly, I am pretty dang happy most of the time. I'd like to think it is because hearing the words "you have giant mediastinal mass" (my response: "are you f@#%ing kidding me!??!) slapped all of the fog right out of my head and allowed me to see clearly for the first time in my life. So here's some of that knowledge I am about to drop all over y'all: LIFE IS GREAT. I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, a brain that I use to dominate medical school, and the opportunity to live a comfortable and happy life. In short, I really have nothing to complain about. I mean, yes, I have CANCER. But when you put it all in perspective, that is just one, albeit giant, speed bump down this life road. And I am driving down this road in a beautiful blue mini-cooper convertible with the top down, bald head flowing in the breeze.

So, I guess that is all for right now. Let's just try to sit back and see where this blog takes us- no need to go putting it in a box just yet. And if I am the only one that reads it, then that will be just fine with me (what, don't think I wont read every single post over again and again and again!... basically, I think I am hilarious.) But feel free laugh, cry, and email Oprah the link to this blog.

Liv