Considering.

Man, I am really blogging it up lately. Right now, it is because all of my friends are out, and I am staying in because I have "chemo fatigue." But don't worry I have "Say Yes to the Dress" to keep me company.... although I should be snuggling up to Rubin's Pathology. Oh well, as Nathan would say, "I can't be bothered..."

So insight of the day: I am really good at looking healthy. Even though I felt like crap, I made an effort to get up and get ready and actually had a pretty good day. No one would had even thought that I had just had chemotherapy less than 24 hours before. I realized this when I went back to the clinic to get my shot of Nulasta today. Everyone around me just looked so miserable. I couldn't help but thank God for making me such a strong person.

But, what does being strong mean? To me, it is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it is helping me through all of this mess, but a curse because it causes me to be too hard on myself. I mean sometimes, I just have to learn to let go a little bit and realize that I am SICK. And that it is OK for me to take nap, or put off reading Rubin's for a day or two. Recently I have been on this weird kick where I got super upset when someone told me that I was "doing awesome, considering." Well, that just made me mad because I just wanted to do awesome...period. Not CONSIDERING. No ifs, ands, or buts. And I AM doing awesome...dammit.

Well, today I just realized how stupid that was. I guess just seeing all of those sick people at the clinic yesterday and today made me really feel like I could EASILY just give up and be miserable. I could have EASILY taken the year off of school. I could EASILY lay around all day and mope. BUT I DON'T. So there... I guess all of this is considering... considering I AM sick. It just took me taking a step back and really looking at my life, and really thinking about what I am doing. And how well I am actually doing to finally realize that.

Now, I really don't mean to sound braggy. I mean I don't make all A's, sometimes I watch too much Food Network, and yes, sometimes I can be cranky. But CONSIDERING, I am just doing the best I can. And that is finally becoming enough for me... I finally feel like I am doing this whole thing right.

This is kind of a big deal epiphany for me... I mean it's hard to let go of perfection. But, what does make it easier for me are my wonderful friends. I just appreciate all of them so much, near and far, new and old. And on that note, I am so excited to welcome my bestie and sis to Memphis for the weekend. They will be here so soon, and then we will crack open my favorite bottle of wine and chat the night away. Well until chemo fatigue sets in, I suppose.

Alright y'all. I guess maybe I should crack open Chapter 3 of Rubin's and learn some more about tissue repair and regeneration ... but maybe just one more episode of "Say Yes to the Dress"? You know what,  I think I will just sit here and do just that. Because I deserve it!! (and because all of my friends are out anyway, so no way I will fall behind in the mean time, haha.)

Hmmm... hope this blog isn't taking up too much of your time... because it surely is taking up way to much of mine! But, it does feel good to do something besides study 24/7! Love y'all!
Liv