and hope does not disappoint.

So I had been wondering when I would come face to face with life's next big decision. Life's next big challenge. The next line to check off life's ever important to-do list. And well... it seems I have stumbled, er more like crashed head first, into it.

What do I want the rest of my life to be?

Am I to follow a passion 'til it drives me to a life of crazy hours and solitary nights? Or do I settle in a different direction and spend that left over time cultivating a life outside of medicine? What is my passion, really? And whatever it is, will it last? Will it fulfill? Will I look back with regret either way??

Y'all know I have always been one to jump into life's next big thing head first. I am a do-er. Follow my heart, think later. And well, that hasn't always treated me kindly. But I have a big, big heart and I fall hard, fast, and I don't think I'll ever be able to change that. But, I am starting to take a little more time before I fully let go of the ledge, leaving the past for the future. Lately, I tied a rope to a tree in hopes of a slower descent.

Still it's hard to give up that free-fall. That feeling of flying. But, it has saved me a couple of bruises by trading in that hard, cold splat of my usual landing for a much softer touch down.

And on that note, I am completely, head-over-heels, and indescribably in LOVE.

With surgery.

Now I know what you must be thinking. "Is it for real this time, Olivia? I mean you've had so many flings before. Give it some time to really get to KNOW each other. Maybe you are just lusting after the energy, the excitement, the intensity, the rush." And yeah, well, I probably am. And maybe I'll feel this way about every. single. other. rotation. And really that would be a blessing, because then maybe I wouldn't have to face this dilemma and I could just happily match into something where I am home by 5pm and can go to my future daughter's dance recitals.

But then again. Maybe I won't.

What if nothing else makes me feel like medicine is where I belong? What if nothing else makes me smile in the middle of the night when I get to scrub in (and mostly just watch) a four hour vascular surgery? What if I belong here, and I miss it terribly when I have to leave?

Is it really time to put on my big-girl panties and make big-girl life decisions? Already?

In the past when I hit similar road-blocks, I have found so much solace in the words of St. Paul. His lost and found story. The real-ness in his words. He always finds a way to untangle the mess that is my confusion. And thank God I have been hearing his words these past couple of Sundays. See today's second reading:

Brothers and sisters:
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith,
we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,
through whom we have gained access by faith
to this grace in which we stand,
and we boast in hope of the glory of God.
Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions,
knowing that affliction produces endurance,
and endurance, proven character,
and proven character, hope,
and hope does not disappoint,
because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts
through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us. [Romans 5:1-5]

And I guess the point is that everything we go through and everything that lies ahead is all connected. All the struggle influences all the success. All the confusion becomes the steadiness. We flow from one high to another and in between we fall down and we get back up. We move forward and we hope that it really is forward where we are moving. I used to pray that God would show me where He wanted me to end up. What should be my life? But then, really recently, I realized that He is trying to show me every day...by filling my big, big heart with passion. By testing my strength. By giving me the choice between the easy and the hard way. And always pulling me through when I inevitably choose the hard way.

I mean, really do I EVER listen to ANYONE when they try to tell me straight-up what I should do?? Usually that sends me sprinting in the complete opposite direction, or defensively trying to argue another point of view, just to be contrary. This "gentle nudge" approach really is the way to go with me anyway. So I guess I'll stop freaking out now and stop waiting for divine intervention and just take it all for what it's worth. I will keep an open mind and let myself be nudged. And let my heart fill up, but try not to let go just yet. To keep my rope tied and my heart just on the edge of bursting.

So maybe I will be surgeon when I grow up. Maybe. But maybe I'll have a steamy affair with Ob/Gyn. Or maybe internal medicine will take me by surprise. All I know is that, this time anyway, I won't let the free-fall trick me into falling flat on my face. This time next year I will gracefully let go of that rope, knowing that wherever I land, I will be in good hands and I will be living the life I was meant to live. Happy, and full of purpose. Passionate and probably exhausted. But mostly just MINE.

Liv

Now we live our own lives
But in the night when my spirits drifting
And I come up from the deep end dive
I see the eyes of my unborn children
And I’m filled with the love I will give them
Cause it’s the love I was given
It’s the love we were given
It’s the love I will give them
To teach them

So they learn to dance
So they learn to dance
You can learn to dance
In this world you can learn to dance when there’s no tomorrow
[Andrew McMahon/Learn to Dance]