Hoarders: Memory edition.

Time can come and wash away the pain
But I just want my mind to stay the same
To hear your voice
To see your face
There’s not one moment I’d erase
You are a guest here now- Regina Spektor "How"

In this whole process of moving I have been face to face with just how much stuff I have accumulated over the years. Think giant mountain of clothes and entire junk drawers randomly emptied onto shelves. Just ask Corie, we literally unpacked trash. Scraps of random paper that I was holding onto for some reason. Some receipts, some old silly notes between friends, even old sorority meeting agendas. But trash just the same.

Why do we collect things? Is it to hold onto a memory? Is it so we do not forget the past? Do I think one day I will sit on the floor, legs crossed, and flip through the pages of an old agenda? Or smile over an old metro ticket while sipping my morning coffee? Nope. Not my intention at all. And I realized what we are always trying to hold onto are our memories. To have something tangible to remind us of our past. Just in case we forget. Just in case the past we cherished so much slips away.

I realized this as I threw so much away. I realized this as I let that old metro ticket fall into the trash. But, I hid other things away, not willing to let them go just yet. I couldn't let that livestrong band go. Couldn't delete those emails. Couldn't erase your pictures off of my phone.

Some memories are easy to hold onto. But trying to hold onto others, onto you, just sucks the wind right out of me. As I work so hard to hold on to something, someone, I worry that I am letting other things slip through my fingers. That I've locked my mind so tight around you that nothing else is even getting in.

The first time I heard that song, "How" by Regina Spektor, was on my way to Louisville the other day... and it brought tears to my eyes. It hit wayyyy to close to home. But after forcing myself to listen again- I realized a deeper meaning. It is not just saying goodbye or pining over a memory lost. It is about realizing that there are people in our lives who are not meant to stay forever. They are there for a reason, if only for a moment. They serve their ever important purpose, and then they are gone.  Then they take up residence in our minds forever. They are always with us.

And so I will never forget you, anonymous boy who I continue to vaguely mention in this blog. Take up your spot in my mind and settle in because you are there for good. Forever. But, I am setting myself free of this vice-like grip I have on you. Knowing that in changing my life (and in changing yours) I could never ever get rid of you even if I tried.

Liv