Just Keep Swimming.

So I noticed something the other day. I was studying, as usual, and was going over the very first lectures of the block. And I thought, wow this is easy. But remember thinking it was a lot harder the first time I saw the same material. After only three weeks, that first stuff was soaking in and just seemed like nothing... especially compared to the most recent stuff. But, eventually that "recent" stuff will become old stuff...and so on and so on...

This made me think... isn't life like that? Upon first glance everything seems so much harder and more pressing than it actually is. Then it will turn out to be. When you are in the moment, like REALLY in the moment, everything is all foggy. But, step back, give it some time, and suddenly everything is going to be alright. It still matters, but it is easier. It is less painful. It is the past, not the present.

I have been wrapped up in so many things lately it is ridiculous. And wrapped up is the perfect word to describe it all, literally engulfed by everything going on in my life. Sometimes it feels like I am in ten feet of water and I am just too tired to keep swimming... but today it was like I reached an island. I was able to rest for a minute and look back on all that distance that I had crossed. And just sit in awe of myself and be proud.

Now I am clearly not saying that I swam that distance in record time or even with any kind of a facsimile of grace... it was actually more like a doggie paddle where I got water up my nose and in my eyes. But I have made it this far, and I am still alive (and smiling some how) and ready to cannonball off that other side of this island into the unknown again. Who knows when I will get another chance like this to catch my breath? What's that Finding Nemo saying that my cousin Jason loves, oh yeah, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" (By the way Jason, who is also battling cancer, and raising a son, and working, and keeping his spirits high, is kinda my hero. Love you cuz!) So I am going to take a hint from him and just keep swimming.... and thanking God for my life.


Speaking of which, today at church, some children were receiving their first communion. It was so sweet, and first communions always make me smile. (Maybe it's because I think about my little sister Emmy and her jean skort/vest combo that she picked out to wear to ours. LOL. It was a sight- mixed in with all of our pouffy white dresses complete with gloves and veils. Hey, at least you can't say our mother stifled our self-expression/creativity in the least! Anyway back to the point of this story...) At this first communion mass today, Father Val had a little something planned for his homily. He had gotten all of the parents of the children to call out their names at a predetermined signal, just shout their names out loud all at the same time. So to us, mere bystanders, it sounded like a bunch of gibberish, and we all looked around confused. But to each child, they heard THEIR NAME. Even with all that noise, each child knew who was calling them and what they were saying.

What a perfect demonstration of how God calls each of us. Even through the noise of our everyday life and everything going on, he calls our name EVERY DAY. Are we listening? Or are we too caught up in the present to hear? Maybe we are too close to see the bigger picture of God's plan? It is like one of those pictures where you start out really close and then back up, and voila, there is another picture to be seen from far away if you keep your focus just right. (or wait... is that histology??..... LOL).

The point is that today while I stood on my little island I had a moment of clarity and heard my name. But, most days it is not that easy. Most days it takes wading through a lot of crap to pick out the right voice. And it takes a lot of focus to zero in on that voice and just really listen to its message. To not get distracted by other voices...of self-doubt, anger, temptation. It was a much needed reminder of what that voice sounded like, and how it felt to be called. So maybe tomorrow when I am awkwardly swimming again I will have an easier time picking it out and I can point my doggie paddle in that direction. Maybe He will even toss down some floaties or something, because Lord knows I need some right now.

Its like that song "waiting on a superman". Just try and hold on as best you can, and trust that your superman will come one day. But, I think, each of us are our own superman. I sure as heck feel like that right now, and by the strength that God has given me I WILL get through this. One day, and one day soon, I will look back on these moments with clarity and be able to finally discern some meaning. To know why God called me down this path, and to appreciate the struggle for what it was worth.

"Remember what is hard to endure is sweet to recall"-French Proverb

Sweet dreams y'all.
Olivia

I asked you a question
I didn't need you to reply
Is it getting heavy?
And then realize
It's getting heavy
Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be

Is it overwhelming
To use a crane to crush a fly?
It's a good time for Superman
To lift the sun into the sky
Because it's getting heavy
Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be

Tell everybody
Waiting for Superman
That they should try to
Hold on the best they can
He hasn't dropped them, forgot them or anything
It's just too heavy for Superman to lift

Ramblings.

Test today, pray for me, and everyone :)

"Some succeed because they are destined to; most succeed because they are determined to." -Anatole France

Hmmm maybe a little jam before I dominate (eek) this test... (no judging allowed...)

Also if you please check this tumblr out. I have been slightly obsessed since Malia showed me last night... mmm.... boniverotica.tumblr.com

Peace out girl scout.
Liv

"gahbleshoe."

Those close to me know that I have this weird thing with not saying "God bless you" after someone sneezes. I mean, if you do that is totally fine, but really do you even KNOW why you say that? It seems like just a super random time to "bless" people in my opinion, especially since a sneeze is just our body trying to expel some foreign material out of our nose.... but it is just so ingrained in our culture that it is literally expected. When I just sit there in silence, people look at ME funny. Oh well.

I used to have this German ballet teacher who said these ridiculous things to us. But sometimes he would have these moments of insight/clarity.  I remember one day he had one of those moments..."If you are going to be there, BE THERE"... and also, "Just because it's Monday doesn't mean that you put your coffee on the floor, you still put it on the table." Then he just started talking about putting oranges in a shopping cart or some nonsense... oh well... that is not important.... the point he was trying to get across was to HAVE PURPOSE. And to be DELIBERATE. This applies well to dance obviously where every movement has a purpose, a meaning, an emotion, a reason.... but also to life as well. It is just like that mumbled "gahbleshoe" from across the room when someone sneezes. Do they even know they are doing that? Or does it just happen? 

Maybe we should try to be more deliberate. Always put our coffee "ON the table" and not just wherever it happens to land.

I am so guilty of this. Of just going through the motions. How many times today did I forgo eye contact in the elevator/hallway in favor of checking my email on my phone? (It's embarrassing). How many minutes of my day are COMPLETELY UNACCOUNTED FOR because I was just off in my own little world? (Even more embarrassing.) It just seems easier sometimes to just do, and not think. 

I am not entirely sure if it is just my generation, or if this dates back to the beginning of time, but it is almost impossible to still my mind on just ONE thing. (I imagine a caveman hunting or something while daydreaming about his new lady friend. ) It takes a LOT to really BE THERE. Body AND mind. I think that is something I am going to start working on more. 

Because, well, I want more out of life. But also because others deserve more from me. 

And on that note... 'night

Olivia

“Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.” - Henry Miller

Second to Last.

Second to last chemo today. Send up some prayers.
(maybe I should go back to that Kelly Clarkson jam... haha... oh well... love this song anyway)
Liv

"there's beauty in the breakdown..."

"Qui vit sans folie n'est pas si sage qu'il croit"

- La Rochefoucauld

Someone once told me "everyone is a little bit crazy." I think I believe that now more than ever. But what is life without a little crazy, a little emotion, even a little breakdown every once in a while.

I can tell you it shows you who really cares and made me feel tremendously loved.

When you are vulnerable, truly and complete open, THEN and only then can you let your heart be filled with love. Sure there is some risk involved, but how can you ever appreciate the good without first experiencing the bad? I think that is a major lesson that I have learned: to just appreciate. To appreciate life, and all things, good or bad, that God allows me to experience every day. I am so grateful to have this time and to know that I am not on this Earth in vain. My life has a purpose. Every life does.

Now, let me (us) live to serve that purpose.
Liv

Let Go- Frou Frou

drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply

Anti-Depressed.

Mwahahaha.... (insert creepy laugh here.) ... I have had you all fooled. You thought I could handle this, huh? That I had it all under control? Well.... I DON'T.

THIS SHIT IS SO HARD.

(I am not even in a place to make a "that's what she said" joke right now, if that tells you what kind of mind frame I am in.)

I am almost done, though, only two more chemos... one on Friday and the last one in two weeks on Thursday May 3rd. But then what?

I had a follow up appointment with my favorite oncologist this afternoon and was as frustrated as ever, getting phleb from my arm (ouch!), waiting forever, trying to schedule appointments with my crazy school schedule... just having to be there when I need to be studying.... just the smell of that place. I just couldn't handle it. So... maybe I was a little teary eyed by the time Dr. Johnson saw me, and maybe I felt a little defeated. But I have never been offered anti-depressents before. Ha- that's kind of a reality check. "Hey, Olivia, you seem depressed enough for us to have to start medicating you now." And when I politely declined (read: "Oh HELL no"), he went on to tell me about how it feels AFTER this shit is over. And how I might need them even more then...

Wait, what, BACK UP, there is an AFTER????

"You know like when soldiers come home from war," he said "well it's kind of like that... always worrying, always looking over your shoulder, just being sad, moody, alienated"... Oh goody, I thought, something to look forward to.

And I just couldn't (can't) handle it right now.

I just cannot handle thinking that there could be a worse than this. Worse than feeling like shit, than drowning in school work I know I am going to be to tired to do this weekend, than constantly thinking about when I have chemo and planning every waking detail of my life around that.

I feel like no one ever tells you these things. And that no one ever thinks about them . Like *high five* "you're almost done Olivia! That's awesome! Let's party!" ... and okay... I guess a party would be nice. And I am having a big freakin' party when I am done with chemo for sure, but still... it's still just the beginning. The beginning of worrying about this for a while.

And the continuation. Of dragging my tired butt to more doctors appointments and scans than most people see in their entire lifetime. Of having this sexy port-a-cath in my abdomen and up my IVC for a while. Of this hair"cut". Of this worry. Of it all.

I mean, I am going to be okay, no need to go all QPR on me or anything... I just need a good rant. And probably will for the next couple of months or so apparently. Didn't want y'all to start thinking that everything is sunshine and roses in my life or anything after all those happy/live-your-life posts. 'Cause I have still got a lot of things to sort out and to just get through.

I guess I am just asking for your continued prayers and support. That's all I CAN ask for, and with that and maybe some help from the Big Guy Upstairs I will be able to make it though all of this only minimally scarred. Y'all can be my anti-depressants, how about that? (Too bad they haven't found this link between sadness and studying, since it is all I doooooo!!!)

Ok off to the lib. Love you all.
Olivia

A Bucket List for Everyday.

So... as I was waiting for my echocardiogram at 6am this morning... I was stumbled across this blog that one of my friends had shared... so before you read any further....

READ THIS, and especially make sure you go to "Avery's Bucket List".

Even the second time, I am brought to tears, right here in the damn library computer lab where I am supposed to be watching a 2 hour podcast on Diuretics. But, instead, I just couldn't stop thinking about that little girl. And about love.

Love is such a weird thing. Who can describe it? Who can really REALLY define it? Do we even know it when we feel it? Do we throw it around too much? Do we try and hide it? Is there love at first sight? Or is it something deeper that grows within you each day? Or is it both?

I feel at a loss for words, which is highly unusual for me. And also humbled, very very humbled, by the love shown for and through this precious child. Not even a whole year old and already she has lived a fuller life than many of us. Than me. I wish I could live like that. Like every day was my last. Like there was NO TOMORROW. Like all that mattered was the here and now. I could fill my soul with every little thing that mad me happy and feel ALIVE.

I wouldn't be scared.

I would let myself LOVE.

I would smile every second and probably kiss strangers on the cheek. And kiss not strangers even more. Because I wanted to and because I had the time.... because I would make the time!

It's so funny to think that I imagine I would have "more time" with that kind of death sentence. That the imminence of death would give me more time to live. 

But, why? Why let my own life get in the way of living? Now I know what you are thinking, "geez, Olivia, could you really talk about this more? Get off you damn high horse and quit telling us how to live  our lives! We get it... you are having some sort of existential crisis lately, and we are sick of it...and now I have totally unbookmarked this s**t!"And that is fine. Do it! Unbookmark me! But for some reason, I keep coming back to this topic. Living. But not just living, living WELL.

At 23 I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me, career, family, etc etc, but what if I don't? Who am I to say my time won't be up tomorrow? I have been given the precious gift of life by God... but am I taking my sweet time to unwrap it? I think I just need to rip that paper to shreds and open it NOW! (I feel like if it isn't on Avery's bucket list this should be: tearing through presents on Christmas morning and getting the wrapping paper everywhere!)

And this isn't like Christmas morning at the Morin's, where every box is numbered and catalogued by my amazing and organized mother. It is a free for all. Which to open first? Am I even opening the right one? Is this EVEN FOR ME? What if it's empty? Just tell me what's inside, please, Mommy, is this ok to open now?

But, no one is there to tell us what is inside, how to open it, when to open it, or even what to do with it once we open it? But, do it anyway. I promise it will make you smile in the end knowing you have uncovered every secret (and some not so secrets) that life was dying to show you.

Do this: close you eyes and think of little baby Avery. Think of her parents wish for her to go on a fist date, to go trick or treating, to get a tattoo, to snuggle with Daddy, to shop with Mommy, to have a sleepover. Now do this: think of the one thing you want to do with your life everyday. Holidays can come early and spontaneous study breaks can happen anytime. Just do something, everyday, so when you look back on your life you have no regrets.

A bucket list for everyday. 

Today mine was: hold hands. Tomorrow... hmmm... who knows. Get to living everybody. And don't worry about that wrapping paper getting everywhere, because who has the time to worry about that, plus the paper looks kind of pretty on the floor anyway. (and yes that is a metaphor).
Olivia

Iron&Wine "The Trapeze Swinger"

But please, remember me, my misery

And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain and chasing trains
The colored birds above their running
In circles around the well and where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter
So bright, on cinder gray, in spray paint
"Who the hell can see forever?"

find your happiness. and do it. now.

Today was a good day.

And it was a chemo day. I think that just proves that life is what you make it. All of it is so mental, it is believing that everything is going to be okay and not letting them not be okay.

 Today, I went to chemo with Heather and we had a blast (haha, not something one normally associates with chemotherapy...). So story time. A month ago, I saw a guy about my age getting treatment and with my limited medical knowledge deduced that he probably had something similar to me knowing the age prevalences, and the chemo he was receiving in the time frame he was receiving it. So naturally, I wanted to talk to him. And naturally I did, really awkwardly. Anyway, point of the story was that it made me think about when I still had 9 treatments left and how COMPLETELY OVERWHELMING that felt. And how lucky I am to be almost done- and that I can do anything that I put my mind to!

I was "pinteresting" today since I didn't have school, and found that CS Louis quote... "there are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." TRUTH. Sometimes it's hard for me to look past the past and the present into the future. The future I will have in ONLY ONE MONTH. I mean, I can totally handle that. Just like I can toatlly handle all of these dang doctors appointments and treatments coming up, because it is all temporary and in the end it will all be a memory (unless I repress all of it in some crazy PTSD kind of way...).

I do not think that I will repress it though because I have actually made some pretty good memories through this whole thing.... crazily.  All of the nurses are incredible, and my nurse today, Avis,  (one that has been there from the beginning) even joined in on all our gossip, it was hilarious. And Katrina, my usual plebotomist, knows everything about my life and remembers all the right question and things to say! And don't even get me started on Dr. Johnson. I basically pretend like he is my grandpa who just happens to be my oncologist. Plus, he thinks I am adorable and I love him for that. I couldn't imagine having anyone else manage my treatment... I mean I never thought that I would LOOK FORWARD to seeing and ONCOLOGIST, but I so do!

So after me and Heather had our amazing chitty chat at chemo we had a delish brunch at this City East bagel place in germantown. So good. And then we spent a couple of hours driving around looking at houses, which was so much fun. It was just a good day all around and made me so excited about moving and being done with this s**t, and starting fresh soon! 

So right now, I am deciding to be happy, at this very moment. And invite y'all to join me in doing the same. Love the life you are giving in order to really live every moment. Find happiness in unexpected places and laugh in moments that beg tears. It is your life, and we only get once chance. So I ask you: WHY WASTE IT?

 Liv

PS Sorry I want a lil crazy on pinterest. the end.
PPS Only two more chemos left!!! GOD IS GREAT!

....so how about that bacon?

Here I am back in Memphis. And back to reality. Pray for me, and my whole class, as we try and focus and study and take this test on Thursday.

Favorite moments from yesterday's drive with Nathan:
*DIP CONESSSS = our lives are awesome; sorry for partying.
*"Woah, Olivia, you think you were kinda hungry??"- thanks for calling me out for buying so many snacks in front of cashier boy, so I like to munch in the car, okay?...dang!
*jamming to some Destiny's child per usual, and some good old Brand New/Taking Back Sunday/etc
*Every time Randy called... haha. Love you Randy!
*"Wow one day we are going to be doctors".... after one of the many ridiculously inappropriate jokes we made.. haha...
*REALLY??? THAT CAR IS IGNORANT! at like every car... haha.
*"KimChi why you small like bacon???"

Oh I just love us. And all my awesome friends, and so glad I got to see lots of you in Knoxville. Love you all.

Well, I guess I should study since I have an hour before my favorite mass of the year starts, (Palm Sunday!!) .... but until then lets relive some car moments...

Are you listening? (Whoa,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh)
Sing it back. (Ah,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh)
So tell me what do I need (tell me what do I need, uh oh, uh oh)
When words lose their meaning (When words lose their meaning)
I was spinning free (Whoa,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh)
with a little sweet and simple numbing me
Yeah, stumble til you crawl (Whoa,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh)
Sinking into sweet uncertainty

Liv