Just Keep Swimming.

So I noticed something the other day. I was studying, as usual, and was going over the very first lectures of the block. And I thought, wow this is easy. But remember thinking it was a lot harder the first time I saw the same material. After only three weeks, that first stuff was soaking in and just seemed like nothing... especially compared to the most recent stuff. But, eventually that "recent" stuff will become old stuff...and so on and so on...

This made me think... isn't life like that? Upon first glance everything seems so much harder and more pressing than it actually is. Then it will turn out to be. When you are in the moment, like REALLY in the moment, everything is all foggy. But, step back, give it some time, and suddenly everything is going to be alright. It still matters, but it is easier. It is less painful. It is the past, not the present.

I have been wrapped up in so many things lately it is ridiculous. And wrapped up is the perfect word to describe it all, literally engulfed by everything going on in my life. Sometimes it feels like I am in ten feet of water and I am just too tired to keep swimming... but today it was like I reached an island. I was able to rest for a minute and look back on all that distance that I had crossed. And just sit in awe of myself and be proud.

Now I am clearly not saying that I swam that distance in record time or even with any kind of a facsimile of grace... it was actually more like a doggie paddle where I got water up my nose and in my eyes. But I have made it this far, and I am still alive (and smiling some how) and ready to cannonball off that other side of this island into the unknown again. Who knows when I will get another chance like this to catch my breath? What's that Finding Nemo saying that my cousin Jason loves, oh yeah, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" (By the way Jason, who is also battling cancer, and raising a son, and working, and keeping his spirits high, is kinda my hero. Love you cuz!) So I am going to take a hint from him and just keep swimming.... and thanking God for my life.


Speaking of which, today at church, some children were receiving their first communion. It was so sweet, and first communions always make me smile. (Maybe it's because I think about my little sister Emmy and her jean skort/vest combo that she picked out to wear to ours. LOL. It was a sight- mixed in with all of our pouffy white dresses complete with gloves and veils. Hey, at least you can't say our mother stifled our self-expression/creativity in the least! Anyway back to the point of this story...) At this first communion mass today, Father Val had a little something planned for his homily. He had gotten all of the parents of the children to call out their names at a predetermined signal, just shout their names out loud all at the same time. So to us, mere bystanders, it sounded like a bunch of gibberish, and we all looked around confused. But to each child, they heard THEIR NAME. Even with all that noise, each child knew who was calling them and what they were saying.

What a perfect demonstration of how God calls each of us. Even through the noise of our everyday life and everything going on, he calls our name EVERY DAY. Are we listening? Or are we too caught up in the present to hear? Maybe we are too close to see the bigger picture of God's plan? It is like one of those pictures where you start out really close and then back up, and voila, there is another picture to be seen from far away if you keep your focus just right. (or wait... is that histology??..... LOL).

The point is that today while I stood on my little island I had a moment of clarity and heard my name. But, most days it is not that easy. Most days it takes wading through a lot of crap to pick out the right voice. And it takes a lot of focus to zero in on that voice and just really listen to its message. To not get distracted by other voices...of self-doubt, anger, temptation. It was a much needed reminder of what that voice sounded like, and how it felt to be called. So maybe tomorrow when I am awkwardly swimming again I will have an easier time picking it out and I can point my doggie paddle in that direction. Maybe He will even toss down some floaties or something, because Lord knows I need some right now.

Its like that song "waiting on a superman". Just try and hold on as best you can, and trust that your superman will come one day. But, I think, each of us are our own superman. I sure as heck feel like that right now, and by the strength that God has given me I WILL get through this. One day, and one day soon, I will look back on these moments with clarity and be able to finally discern some meaning. To know why God called me down this path, and to appreciate the struggle for what it was worth.

"Remember what is hard to endure is sweet to recall"-French Proverb

Sweet dreams y'all.
Olivia

I asked you a question
I didn't need you to reply
Is it getting heavy?
And then realize
It's getting heavy
Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be

Is it overwhelming
To use a crane to crush a fly?
It's a good time for Superman
To lift the sun into the sky
Because it's getting heavy
Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be

Tell everybody
Waiting for Superman
That they should try to
Hold on the best they can
He hasn't dropped them, forgot them or anything
It's just too heavy for Superman to lift