Anti-Depressed.

Mwahahaha.... (insert creepy laugh here.) ... I have had you all fooled. You thought I could handle this, huh? That I had it all under control? Well.... I DON'T.

THIS SHIT IS SO HARD.

(I am not even in a place to make a "that's what she said" joke right now, if that tells you what kind of mind frame I am in.)

I am almost done, though, only two more chemos... one on Friday and the last one in two weeks on Thursday May 3rd. But then what?

I had a follow up appointment with my favorite oncologist this afternoon and was as frustrated as ever, getting phleb from my arm (ouch!), waiting forever, trying to schedule appointments with my crazy school schedule... just having to be there when I need to be studying.... just the smell of that place. I just couldn't handle it. So... maybe I was a little teary eyed by the time Dr. Johnson saw me, and maybe I felt a little defeated. But I have never been offered anti-depressents before. Ha- that's kind of a reality check. "Hey, Olivia, you seem depressed enough for us to have to start medicating you now." And when I politely declined (read: "Oh HELL no"), he went on to tell me about how it feels AFTER this shit is over. And how I might need them even more then...

Wait, what, BACK UP, there is an AFTER????

"You know like when soldiers come home from war," he said "well it's kind of like that... always worrying, always looking over your shoulder, just being sad, moody, alienated"... Oh goody, I thought, something to look forward to.

And I just couldn't (can't) handle it right now.

I just cannot handle thinking that there could be a worse than this. Worse than feeling like shit, than drowning in school work I know I am going to be to tired to do this weekend, than constantly thinking about when I have chemo and planning every waking detail of my life around that.

I feel like no one ever tells you these things. And that no one ever thinks about them . Like *high five* "you're almost done Olivia! That's awesome! Let's party!" ... and okay... I guess a party would be nice. And I am having a big freakin' party when I am done with chemo for sure, but still... it's still just the beginning. The beginning of worrying about this for a while.

And the continuation. Of dragging my tired butt to more doctors appointments and scans than most people see in their entire lifetime. Of having this sexy port-a-cath in my abdomen and up my IVC for a while. Of this hair"cut". Of this worry. Of it all.

I mean, I am going to be okay, no need to go all QPR on me or anything... I just need a good rant. And probably will for the next couple of months or so apparently. Didn't want y'all to start thinking that everything is sunshine and roses in my life or anything after all those happy/live-your-life posts. 'Cause I have still got a lot of things to sort out and to just get through.

I guess I am just asking for your continued prayers and support. That's all I CAN ask for, and with that and maybe some help from the Big Guy Upstairs I will be able to make it though all of this only minimally scarred. Y'all can be my anti-depressants, how about that? (Too bad they haven't found this link between sadness and studying, since it is all I doooooo!!!)

Ok off to the lib. Love you all.
Olivia