Winding Roads and Windy Days.

Oh good ol' East Tennessee. You are so beautiful. I have missed your mountains and trees and winding back roads.

Yesterday was such a pretty day. The sun was shining and the breeze was just perfect. So on my way to Starbucks to study a bit I took the long way and with the windows down and the radio up, I felt home. Like no one could touch me.

Along the way I passed all of these memories. There was that old park where me and Lauren used to sit our emo selves down and talk about the world....the theatre where I danced my favorite Snow Queen... that road behind Holston Drive where me and Susan used to walk for hours...that senior parking lot where we used to hang around in Micah's truck... that Snow Cone place where I broke someone's heart... and that corner down the street from my house where I had my first kiss...

I'll be a little sad to leave this place today, as I always am. I guess I am just being a little nostalgic. It is a nice reminder to look back at where you have been. And helpful when I look at where I am going. You see, all of these things, these memories, shape who we are. No matter if they are good or bad, they make us uniquely us.

I carry these memories and lessons with me into the future. All of them. Old, new, near, far. From the crazy nights in Brazil to the splendid cafes in Paris to my own quiet backyard (the backyard of my childhood, where I used to swing and watch the wind blow through the beautiful tall oak trees). And even though those tress are gone now, I will never forget the first time I thought that the wind was the presence of something more. How I knew even as a child that this life was bigger than just me.... I close my eyes and take a deep breath... I can still feel the awe I felt back then. The awe of the wind through those trees... of feeling small.... of feeling insignificant but empowered.

And so I think I was a little bit crazy even as a child, but that is okay with me. I think sometimes we all need to just stop, close our eyes, and breathe. Feel insignificant. Feel part of something bigger. So that we may re-approach our lives with a renewed strength and sense of purpose.

Something someone said to me a couple of days ago really stuck with me: "find peace...and through that peace really allow yourself to listen....do not try to force it.... just be." I imagine it like an empty jar, well one that is not normally empty, but one that you must dump out all of its contents to really be filled with anything. These contents are the grudges we hold and the judgements we make and the anger we harbor. We must empty ourselves so that we may be filled with what is important and never close that lid. Never.

And with that I am off to Knoxville for a couple of days to make some new memories and relive some old ones. And I can definitely tell you that I will stop and drink in all that is around me because good moments with even better friends only come around every so often when you have your nose glued to a book most of the time.

I'll leave you with some music from my new obsession: The Civil Wars (thanks Malia... haha.... also, I think being back in the birthplace of country music is really bringing me back to my roots ha!) Excited to see them at Memphis in May.

Oh I've got this friend

Holding onto her heart like it's a little secret

Like it's all she's got to give 

Go with us where no one can be found

Drink so long and deep until you drown

Say your goodbyes but darlin' if you please

Don't go without me

C'est la vie, C'est la mort

Liv

Stop and Stare.

Hmmm. Funny how coming home can actually make you feel more out of place. Like people are staring at you. Like you don't belong. And I guess I was just getting really used to being surrounded by people who know. By people who don't even double take when they see that "girl with the scarf." People who can now see past all of this to the girl who is doing totally fine.

Now this is not directed to any of my wonderful Bristol friends. Because I love all of you and have loved getting to see some of you. The support I feel from you has been uplifting and incredible.

But it is that random person at lunch, or that guy across the street. It is that sad pair of eyes at church, or those sideways glances at the coffee shop.

Hi. I have (had) cancer.

I guess I have just been so wrapped up in everything else that I haven't taken the time to really let my thoughts settle on that fact. Even at chemo lately I have been distracted by this, that, or the other. And the day after it's normally back to the books.

But, not this time. This time I am home, I am not studying (I took a 3 day break!!), and I am actually getting out to somewhere other than the library and Starbucks. And I have taken notice. Of. My. Own Life. And so has everyone else.... but then again, I guess everyone else always does... I just don't see it.

And so here I am. Examining my own life. Once again.

I think one of my favorite things about coming home is going to St. Anne's on sunday and hearing Father Tim. This week's homily could not have been more fitting, as usual, and I was touched by the message God was sending me through his words.

It was based on "Healing in the New Testament"... a theme that this Lent has followed...and one that has  opened my eyes to what healing really is. It is not a cure for a disease... but rather a holistic cleanse of the soul. It is the blind seeing. It is the leper being welcomed back into society and being deemed clean. It is a man being raised from the dead.

As a future doctor, sometimes I feel like I get caught up on the physical. Of being in "remission" and my chances of "relapse" to these horrible cancer cells. But that is not what it is all about. And to be honest, I "relapse" every day. I relapse into selfishness and abrasiveness. Into dishonesty and callousness. Vulgarity and gossip.

Now this illness, this state of un-health, is something I struggle with everyday. And it takes daily reflection and prayer to remain in remission. It takes actively thanking God each day I wake up to this world. This world full of people who love me and the opportunity to pursue my dreams.

I am working on it.

I know this is a life long process, much longer than the 12 rounds of chemo that I must complete to eradicate this Hodgkin's (only 3 left...!!!!). This is an everyday thing. And this is much, much more important. Because if I am never healed, than what was the point of being "cured."
Liv

Spring Means Spring Cleaning...

Excited to go home today... then I'll have lots of time to blog. Until then, I leave you with this...

http://blog.freepeople.com/2012/03/saturday-24/

Wish me luck on the 8 hour drive.
Liv

Words to Live By.

So sometimes I wish that my greatest fear was that my snickers peanut butter squares were going to get stuck in the vending machine.... but, alas, it is not. But life goes on. 

Found this while "pinteresting"....thought they were some nice words to live by. And maybe make you/me a little less afraid. 

Liv

White Coats and Swimsuits.

So. Sore. Already.

Today I got my act together and actually worked out for the first time SINCE I WAS DIAGNOSED. And dang, do I even have muscles anymore?? Oh wait- yes I do...cause they hurt right now! Sitting down in a chair was nearly impossible, I just kind of fell into it...haha.

But seriously, it felt good to get some of my nervous energy out and feel productive. Not like I've been a lazy butt all the time or anything, but eventually I will have to go back to being a real life person who actually has to watch what they eat and work out and do their own laundry. I mean swimsuit season is coming up, I guess... haha... do medical students have swimsuit season?? I guess this will be my last one...

Speaking of swimsuits. All of these Spring breakers posting to Facebook made me think of my fun little trip with my besties last year. I miss you all. Good times and trunk times (haha...). We had so much fun. We woke up that little Siesta Key... just saying. I mean who else attempts to sing Rocky Top in Florida. Don't you just wish we were back laying out on that beach in the sunshine with no worries.... looking towards our future, all scared and excited at the same time.

Doing what we do best... being too silly.

What are we doing, actually? haha...

Group pic the first night out.                      St Patty's. Love Olivia's hand in the pic.

Life isn't scary though, now. We were so bright eyed back then...and you know what, I still am bright eyed. I love school, even though it kills me sometimes, and I love my friends now, and love my friends from back then still. I mean, geez louis, if life is going good now... then I can only imagine what it will be like in 5 years... in 10 years... Dang. I will be like, a real grown up doctor or something. Wow.

Basically, what I am trying to say is that all this hard work is going to pay of big time in the future... and you can't get anywhere in life by sitting around and daydreaming about what you want to do. Just like I can't sit around and nom on peanut mms all day, either. You've got to get up and go after what you want. Don't lose the wonder of the future...but wonder while you work to achieve that dream. It's out there. You have just got to grab it.

Now, while I miss lounging on the beach, I know that one day I'll be back. In the distant future... but the next time I am there I will be able to daydream about my REAL LIFE. And that will be pretty cool.

So the new Shins album just came out and I have been jamming to it for the past couple of hours... so I thought I'd leave you with a sample of my favorite songs...

Ok so the lib is closing. Guess, I should stop "studying"(slash blogging) and go to bed now... haha.
Liv

Tangled.

Happy St. Patty's day to the rest world who can actually celebrate properly. Eh, I am not complaining though, since I plan on taking the majority of the day off anyway (I'll just suffer a little tomorrow... sigh). I am excited for my potluck brunch plans with friends in a bit and who knows I might even go out later?!? haha... who am I?

So sorry for multiple emo posts lately, I have just been kind of down about some stuff. It is weird, though, don't you think? That I can be so strong about certain things and not about others? It drives me absolutely crazy. Just like, what are you saying to me Lord... that I have WEAKNESSES?!?!

And I have clearly found mine.

Being sick, I at least feel like I have some control. I control going to treatments (of which I only have 4 left ahhhh!!). I control taking my medicine and going to the doctor. I even control the fact that I am trying to live a normal life through all of this. And I know I have talked about this before, but it is something that I struggle with everyday.  "Let go and let God" as Natty would tell me. I know I have no control over what HAPPENS to me, but dang it, at least it is MY BODY and MY LIFE. That counts for something right?

What I have absolutely no control over are the lives of others. And how they live them, and how they fit/do not fit me into them. And if they are happy/whatever. I mean, I try my best to give advice, offer comfort, be there... but it is NOT ME. It is NOT MY STORY to write. And woah that kind of hits you like a ton of bricks sometimes. Feeling helpless as someone else struggles, someone you care about, just breaks your heart a little bit.

Which made me think, I truly TRULY hope this is not how everyone feels about me. Helpless. And maybe they do... maybe I am finally seeing why it seems so much harder on the people that care about me, than maybe I thought it should. I mean, I KNOW I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL. And that I can handle whatever comes my way. Because I am the one who is doing it, emotionally, physically, all of it. It is me.

People probably think I am crazy when I tell them I've got this and that I really am doing okay. No one else really knows my strength or what is going on in this crazy head of mine. And IT IS hard, and if they were in my shoes, they think, could they do it? How impossible would it be for me to believe someone who told me that and trust that they are going to be okay? Completely freakin' impossible. That's how impossible.

And I am finally starting to see that now that my own shit is starting to clear away...and I look into a bright shining future with a new tuft of hair and without chemo every two weeks. I think I need to amend Natty's quote to me from "let go and let God" to "let go of your life and everyone else's and let God"... although it is not a catchy. Because our lives are not islands... our lives are constantly intertwining with they lives of others... I imagine it like two necklaces.... sometimes they slide apart easily and sometimes they get so tangled it is impossible to force them apart without trying to unclasp one or both. And I feel tangled.

And how boring would our lives be if we were islands? Or even, honestly, if we could control every moment on that stupid island? It would be AWFUL. No anxiety or worry but no hopes or dreams either. All of these things are a package deal, and I would never trade HOPE for ANYTHING. How would life FEEL without hope?? Well I'll tell you, IT WOULDN'T FEEL.

I jotted down these two quotes on hope yesterday in my actual journal... (some things just need to written where no one can ever find them... hope my blog doesn't feel too jealous now... ha!) "Heaven is living in your hopes, and Hell is living in your fears" -Tom Robbins, and "Hope is believing IN SPITE OF THE EVIDENCE, then watching the evidence CHANGE"- Jim Wallis. That second one especially spoke to me. That IS hope, isn't it? If you knew how everything was going to turn out, then it would just be knowing, right? It would just be like God whispering to us, since I pretty much only imagine God talks in a whisper, "this is your future... by the summer such and such will happen and then in three years you will match here at this awesome residency and then you will get married to such and such guy and have such and such kids and ...." YEA RIGHT. Never going to happen. (Not the residency/marriage/kids part, I hope THAT happens, but the whispering/knowing part...haha). Not only is that impossible, but it is completely boring and lame. And God is not boring. 

Neither is life. 

So here I am once again back to the same ol' conclusion. "Let go a little bit, Olivia, for your own dang good. Because, you see, you wouldn't even WANT a life that you were in control of, that was super boring and lame, right???" And that is easy to type, but harder to put into practice. It makes me feel all fidgety and restless. I guess I'll try to shake it off... and put all this restless energy towards something good. Like school or working out again (Nathan, Malia, and Sitra are kind of inspiring me to get my so not-sick butt of the couch, no excuses haha.) 

But now I have to go get ready for that brunch... and I am just saying I am kind of excited for the brunch.... but I am SUPER excited about wearing my GREEN ROMPER to it! I cannot believe that it is romper season again! Can you tell I love rompers, yet? Well if you cannot tell, I am completely obsessed... it is a problem... haha. I mean, they are basically dresses (which I already love) but they have shorts! You can do all sorts of activities in them... haha. They don't call it romping around for no good reason... 

Evidence that rompers are good for "activities"- with Brooke. 

Love us. 

 Also, romps have traveled the world...

Here I am with Shainna (romper convertee) on the Millennium Bridge in London.

Note how we are both romper clad. And note how much "romping" we accomplished on that trip!

...and just casually strolling the streets of Paris with Annalise. 

(Yes, that is the exact romper I am going to ROCK today, since I knew you were dying to know, haha)

Oh goodness, how did this post turn into that. Haha. Whatever I am leaving it, because I think we all needed a little romper pick me up at the end of that dissertation. And on that note, I will catch y'all later.

Liv

Happiness requires bravery.

Ahhh la langue française...  elle me manque beaucoup.... et aujourd'hui un ami me montre une poème qui était exactement ça que j'ai besoin d'entendre...

Le bonheur exige la bravoure

Je peux avoir des défauts, vivre dans l’anxiété et être énervé parfois,
mais je n’oublie pas que ma vie est la plus grande entreprise du monde
et je peux éviter qu’elle courre à la faillite.
Être heureux c’est reconnaître que ça vaut la peine de vivre
malgré tous les défauts, incompréhensions et moments de crise.
Être heureux c’est arrêter d’être submergé par les problèmes
et être l’auteur de sa propre histoire.
C’est traverser des déserts en dehors de soi,
mais être capable de découvrir une oasis au plus profond de son âme.
C’est remercier Dieu chaque matin pour le miracle de la vie.
Etre heureux c’est ne pas avoir peur de ses propres sentiments.
C’est savoir parler de soi-même.
C’est avoir du courage pour accepter un « non ».
C’est garder son assurance face à la critique, même injuste.
Des pierres sur mon chemin ?
Les garder toutes, un jour j’en ferai un château.

Fernando Pessoa

************

Translation for my non-frenchies... (and sorry to my frenchies if I butcher/ed the grammar, it has been quite a while...)***


A friend showed me this poem today, and it was exactly what I needed to hear...

"Happiness requires bravery"
I have faults, live with anxiety, and get angry sometimes
but I remember that my life is the greatest undertaking in the world
and I can avoid it running with fate
to be happy is to recognize that it is worth to live
despite all the flaws, misunderstandings, and moments of crisis
to be happy is to stop being overwhelmed by problems
and to be the author of one's own story
it is to cross deserts outside of oneself
but to be capable of discovering an oasis as deep as one's soul
it is to thank God every morning for the miracle of life
to be happy is not to be afraid of one's own feelings
it is knowing to talk to oneself
it is having the courage to accept "no"
it is to keep confidence against criticism, even unfair
stones in my path?
keep them all, one day I will make a castle out of them.
-Fernando Pessoa (in my own iffy rough translation)...

********

Life throws a lot of stones at us, and we just have to trust that it is all going to be okay. Put every stone in your pocket and learn from every experience... everything happens for a reason and every experience shapes who we are. Now I have always believed in fate, but I think that life is kind of like one of those old school "choose your own ending" books. If you would do this, turn to page 74... every alternate ending predetermined in the all-knowing eyes of God, who is looking down just hoping that we pick the right one. Gently guiding us towards happiness.

But "happiness requires bravery". I have never heard a truer statement in my entire life. Be brave, have courage, be strong. Trust that if you are, the reward will be great, though the trials may be long.

In the end you will have a castle.

Liv

On Repeat.

Bon Iver- Blood Bank

Well, I met you at the blood bank
We were looking at the bags
Wondering if any of the colors
Matched any of the names we knew on the tags

You said, see look that's yours
Stacked on top with your brother's
See how the resemble one another
Even in their plastic little covers

And I said I know it well
That secret that you knew but don't know how to tell
It f***s with your honor and it teases your head
But you know that it's good girl
'Cause its running you with red
Then the snow started falling
We were stuck out in your car
You were rubbing both of my hands
Chewing on a candy bar

You said, ain't this just like the present
To be showing up like this?
As a moon waned to crescent
We started to kiss

And I said I know it well
That secret that we know that we don't know how to tell
I'm in love with your honor, I'm in love with your cheeks
What's that noise up the stairs, babe?
Is that Christmas morning creaks?

And I know it well, I know it well
And I know it well, I know it
And I know it, I know it
And I know it, I know it

There is nothing that was ever worth anything that wasn't hard, right?

Liv

FRANZ.

So basically I have the best friends in. the. whole. world.

They make me laugh, and make me food, and make me feel super loved and incredible all of the time. I honestly don't know what I would do without them. Near and far, new and old, weird...and well, more weird? (haha!) I mean me and Malia busted randomly into a silent rendition of TLC's "No Scrubs" in the middle of a lecture yesterday... and who can count how many "that's what she said" jokes we have made recently... (that disease has "variable penetrance..." I mean who could resist...).

But lately they have all been there for me when I have needed them... just like when I blow my nose too hard, and fall over, and the floor is there for me.... er well sort of like that. It has been amazing (...or amazeballs 8million if you will, and I WILL!!) No matter if it is a phone conversation where I just word vomit for an hour with no stopping... or to drive me to starbucks...or to just procrastinate with me in the lib, I have been thankful for every minute. And I probably don't say that enough but THANK YOU for being there for me, to everyone. All of this would be so much harder without you all... I mean it is kind of hard to cheer yourself up, or share stories with yourself... hmmm maybe that what you think I do in this blog... but you can think what you want, yeah you, because my friends will kick your butt if you are not careful :)

But most of all my friends are smart, kind, beautiful, and hilarious! We basically think we are Aziz Anzari... and well.... I mean we pretty much are!! I'm not saying, I'm just saying...

LOVE YOU ALL :)
Liv

Satur-do.

So I am way to tired to actually blog today but have just enough energy to re-post a glorious and truthful  post from someone else before I fall back into my mid-morning nap...

http://blog.freepeople.com/2012/03/saturday-22/

Dream, and act, big.
Liv

Scott.

Of course I am posting when I should be studying and/or sleeping the night before an assessment. Clearly I am just trying to even out the playing field for everyone else, since I am going to dominate this test (insert sarcasm here...)

But, this being National Women's Day (er it was an hour ago) and seeing a friend post about the ultimate "Women's Day" artist... you guessed it... Alanis... haha... made me think about my favorite song of her's and my favorite lyric:

how bout no longer being masochistic
how bout remembering your divinity
how bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
how bout not equating death with stopping
-Thank U, Alanis Morissette
(See, not everything of hers is dripping with female empowerment... ha!)

This made me think about everything going on in my life, and what is funny is how when I think about these things, cancer is like #583938379261 on the list now. Calling a friend from home made me realize this: "OF COURSE you are having such and such drama, and OF COURSE that is what you called me about... it's not like you have cancer or anything...." (Credit: Joanna). Am I just looking for a distraction, or did life really just happen when I wasn't paying attention?

Life goes on, with or without you. This week one of my sister's friends, Scott, died from cancer. And I have been thinking a lot about how lucky we all are, just to have each and every day. I never knew Scott but everyone who did know him saw that he was truly a child of God and that he knew what it was to LIVE... something we can all, including myself, only learn from.  You can read, in his own words, about how strong and faithful he was here.

On Scott's Facebook page he had this quote... Phillipians 4:6 "Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done." We all need a healthy dose of that reality. We all have trials, and I have always believed that God will never give you a trial you couldn't handle. But, seeing Scott's strength through all of his trials makes me feel incredibly weak. I am a tough girl, don't get me wrong, but it just puts everything into perspective.

Perspective. Something I think we could all use a little of, every day. Is is going to really matter that you missed one question extra than you wanted on your test and made a B? Is it going to matter who made out with whom in 5 days from now, let alone in the future? Are we still going to be worried about any of today's problems tomorrow? Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be ANXIOUS about TOMORROW, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day its OWN trouble." We are all human. But, as such, we must strive for contentment knowing that if we do our best, and do what is right, then today will work itself out, as will tomorrow.

And is today really what we are living for? Remember Alanis? "How 'bout not equating death with stopping"... one of my favorite lines.. in a song, period. There is more to life than we could ever know... so let's all LIVE like there is. LIVE like Scott did, and like I imagine God wants us to...

I know I said I wasn't going to get really deep anymore, but there I go again.... but it's alright because it is important, if not the most important thing one can think about... Death is sad, to us, as humans anyway. Why should life be? So I will go to bed with a smile on my face, knowing that I have a huge medical school test at 8am in the morning and my 7th chemotherapy following soon thereafter. But, smile I will, inspired by Scott (and all of the Scott's in the world.) Living today and today alone.

I know this is corny, but this song came out about the time I was diagnosed, when it was all so real. I hope one day I can say that I have "had just enough time..."

Love you all.
Liv

Garden Sate of Mind.

Obvs should be studying right now but I am taking a break....

Sometimes I guess I just get irritable. Today was definitely one of those days. And I think I have always been like this, but it does get worse when I think about having a test and chemo on Friday... at least I get to watch my favorite movie after....

Speaking of which this is how I feel right now...

or maybe a little like this..

and yes that song will change your life....



Ok back to studying now.... I guess I will write more this weekend after my test is over! Wish me luck on the test and chemo Friday :)
Liv

Cocky-doodle-do.

True story. Man in Fedora at Chickfila tonight told me I looked "casually fine" and "radiant." The lady at Starbucks told me she loved my "super cute haircut." I mean I love the complements, who doesn't? And today just seemed like a day to soak them all in...and be a little cocky. What is it about dressing up and putting on your favorite heels, some of your favorite new tinted burt's bees, and your sassy wig that just makes you feel...well, happier? And a little bit cocky.

Maybe that is not the right word... and when I check the synonyms I get "overconfident, smug, swaggering, boastful, conceited..." and I don't necessarily mean it like that.  I am not overconfident... just.... confident and apparently "radiant"... haha. But, really all joking aside, it is just who I am. I am loud and quick and bold. I am me, and I do not change for anyone. And I will call you out. But, feel free to give it right back to me. I think it makes us all better, and makes life a little more fun.

Now, I wanted to write a fun post tonight, since I have been getting all deep on y'all lately. And because I was in such a silly mood today. But, I really cannot think of anything that funny... maybe tomorrow... maybe I am just too sleepy....So I suppose I'll leave you with a little inspiration to finish all of this off...

My thoughts turn to a little tiny orange book that one of my greatest friends sent my way titled "cheerful thoughts." It is full of all sorts of quotes, ranging from silly to serious. Here are a few of my current favorites...
"May you LIVE all the days of your life"- Jonathan Swift
"To be awake is to be ALIVE" -Henry David Thoreau
"If you can walk you can DANCE, if you can talk you can SING" - Zimbabwe Saying

And on that note... it is time for bed. 'night internet.
Liv

I'm not Neo-playing-around.

That fateful day finally came. The day when we really started learning about cancer. And I was terrified.

Neoplasia, literally new growth, and cancer, a malignant tumor of epithelial cell but also in practice used to describe all malignancies. All of these things that took over my body, still scares the shit out of me.

I know that after that negative PET scan, everything IS going to be okay. Just going to preface the rest of this post with that. But I am still scared out of my mind, sometimes.

This is what I have learned about cancer during my small introductory lecture the other day: I AM LUCKY TO BE ALIVE. I mean, I could have it much, much worse. Hodgkin's is a walk in the park compared to some other types of cancer. But, to learn that this thing probably started growing inside of me TWO YEARS AGO...or that something in my gene's could be off... or that in every person, right now, there is a cancer starting to form that is being fought off by their immune system, successfully I beg...

Now this put me in an unusually dark and pensive state. I am such a positive person, but this all really hit me hard. It seemed so personal. When Handorf looked into the faces of the class, I could only imagine that he was lecturing straight to me (I guess it didn't help that there were only 30 people in class that day...). I could feel my heart beating in my chest. Literally frozen in my chair, but on the edge of my seat.

I mean, this topic is clearly relevant to everyone in the class. We all have a mom, aunt, cousin, grandparent, best friend, who had cancer... I just happen to have all of those.... AND I have this. I have just never been so interested in something in my entire life. I was hanging on every word... "tell me more Handorf... tell me how to catch this thing, how to cure it, how to help other people not have to go through what I have..." (And here I was thinking I would NEVER entertain the idea of a career in oncology EVER... oh silly me for thinking I have any control over my life at all...)

Control. I thought a lot about that in church yesterday. It is so overwhelming to just give your life over to God. To trust that He will take care of you and that everything will go according to His will.... once again I was struck by the relevancy of this week's readings...

Romans 8:31-34 "What then shall we say to this? If God is FOR US, who is against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, will he not also give us all things with him? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies; who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who dies, yes, who was raised form the dead, who is a the right hand of God, who indeed INTERCEDES FOR US?

I was struck by these words. They are questions. And I have so many questions. But at the same time, they are more than questions... they are ANSWERS, they are COMFORT, they are FAITH. Knowing that, well "knowing" is the wrong word, TRUSTING that is how I can get out of bed everyday and smile and give thanks and be happy.

Never in my life have the words we speak in mass meant more to me than they do now. "Lead us not into temptation, BUT DELIVER US FROM EVIL." This part of the Lord's prayer has always moved me, but I guess I just want to be "delivered" from all of this so much, I just find myself squeezing the imaginary hand next to me every time.... "Lord I am NOT WORTHY that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be HEALED." I realize that even though I am a sinner, there is still a chance of repentance and of healing. And this life is not all about healing my body.... it is about healing WHO I am and HOW I am. And that is 8 gazillion times more important in the long run... it is so powerful I cannot even stand it, but there is is, every week, laid out for me like my favorite dress on the bed, just waiting for me to slip into...

Hmmm.... so there is your daily catechism I suppose.... I have just been thinking on these things a lot lately, and especially in light of this love/hate relationship I have been having with the lecture material. I mean, I will never, ever miss a question on Hodgkin's lymphoma, that is for sure. All of this is greater than just "random letters" to me.... more than just AML, FPC, HD.... it is REAL and it is personal. And I do not think I will ever lose that. And what's more? I do not ever want to lose that.

So I will end this post with the new Shin's song that I have been obsessed with lately (because I love it and also because after such epic emotional rambling I can think of no other appropriate closing...)

Well this is just a simple song to say what you done
I told you about all those fears and away they did run
You sure must be strong 
When you feel like an ocean being warmed by the sun

...
I know that things can really get rough when you go it alone
Don't go thinking you gotta be tough, to bleed like a stone
Could be there's nothing else in our lives so critical
As this little home
...


Liv