So sorry for multiple emo posts lately, I have just been kind of down about some stuff. It is weird, though, don't you think? That I can be so strong about certain things and not about others? It drives me absolutely crazy. Just like, what are you saying to me Lord... that I have WEAKNESSES?!?!
And I have clearly found mine.
Being sick, I at least feel like I have some control. I control going to treatments (of which I only have 4 left ahhhh!!). I control taking my medicine and going to the doctor. I even control the fact that I am trying to live a normal life through all of this. And I know I have talked about this before, but it is something that I struggle with everyday. "Let go and let God" as Natty would tell me. I know I have no control over what HAPPENS to me, but dang it, at least it is MY BODY and MY LIFE. That counts for something right?
What I have absolutely no control over are the lives of others. And how they live them, and how they fit/do not fit me into them. And if they are happy/whatever. I mean, I try my best to give advice, offer comfort, be there... but it is NOT ME. It is NOT MY STORY to write. And woah that kind of hits you like a ton of bricks sometimes. Feeling helpless as someone else struggles, someone you care about, just breaks your heart a little bit.
Which made me think, I truly TRULY hope this is not how everyone feels about me. Helpless. And maybe they do... maybe I am finally seeing why it seems so much harder on the people that care about me, than maybe I thought it should. I mean, I KNOW I'VE GOT IT UNDER CONTROL. And that I can handle whatever comes my way. Because I am the one who is doing it, emotionally, physically, all of it. It is me.
People probably think I am crazy when I tell them I've got this and that I really am doing okay. No one else really knows my strength or what is going on in this crazy head of mine. And IT IS hard, and if they were in my shoes, they think, could they do it? How impossible would it be for me to believe someone who told me that and trust that they are going to be okay? Completely freakin' impossible. That's how impossible.
And I am finally starting to see that now that my own shit is starting to clear away...and I look into a bright shining future with a new tuft of hair and without chemo every two weeks. I think I need to amend Natty's quote to me from "let go and let God" to "let go of your life and everyone else's and let God"... although it is not a catchy. Because our lives are not islands... our lives are constantly intertwining with they lives of others... I imagine it like two necklaces.... sometimes they slide apart easily and sometimes they get so tangled it is impossible to force them apart without trying to unclasp one or both. And I feel tangled.
And how boring would our lives be if we were islands? Or even, honestly, if we could control every moment on that stupid island? It would be AWFUL. No anxiety or worry but no hopes or dreams either. All of these things are a package deal, and I would never trade HOPE for ANYTHING. How would life FEEL without hope?? Well I'll tell you, IT WOULDN'T FEEL.
I jotted down these two quotes on hope yesterday in my actual journal... (some things just need to written where no one can ever find them... hope my blog doesn't feel too jealous now... ha!) "Heaven is living in your hopes, and Hell is living in your fears" -Tom Robbins, and "Hope is believing IN SPITE OF THE EVIDENCE, then watching the evidence CHANGE"- Jim Wallis. That second one especially spoke to me. That IS hope, isn't it? If you knew how everything was going to turn out, then it would just be knowing, right? It would just be like God whispering to us, since I pretty much only imagine God talks in a whisper, "this is your future... by the summer such and such will happen and then in three years you will match here at this awesome residency and then you will get married to such and such guy and have such and such kids and ...." YEA RIGHT. Never going to happen. (Not the residency/marriage/kids part, I hope THAT happens, but the whispering/knowing part...haha). Not only is that impossible, but it is completely boring and lame. And God is not boring.
Neither is life.
So here I am once again back to the same ol' conclusion. "Let go a little bit, Olivia, for your own dang good. Because, you see, you wouldn't even WANT a life that you were in control of, that was super boring and lame, right???" And that is easy to type, but harder to put into practice. It makes me feel all fidgety and restless. I guess I'll try to shake it off... and put all this restless energy towards something good. Like school or working out again (Nathan, Malia, and Sitra are kind of inspiring me to get my so not-sick butt of the couch, no excuses haha.)
But now I have to go get ready for that brunch... and I am just saying I am kind of excited for the brunch.... but I am SUPER excited about wearing my GREEN ROMPER to it! I cannot believe that it is romper season again! Can you tell I love rompers, yet? Well if you cannot tell, I am completely obsessed... it is a problem... haha. I mean, they are basically dresses (which I already love) but they have shorts! You can do all sorts of activities in them... haha. They don't call it romping around for no good reason...
Evidence that rompers are good for "activities"- with Brooke.
Love us.
Also, romps have traveled the world...
Here I am with Shainna (romper convertee) on the Millennium Bridge in London.
Note how we are both romper clad. And note how much "romping" we accomplished on that trip!
...and just casually strolling the streets of Paris with Annalise.
(Yes, that is the exact romper I am going to ROCK today, since I knew you were dying to know, haha)
Oh goodness, how did this post turn into that. Haha. Whatever I am leaving it, because I think we all needed a little romper pick me up at the end of that dissertation. And on that note, I will catch y'all later.
Liv
No comments:
Post a Comment