Stop and Stare.

Hmmm. Funny how coming home can actually make you feel more out of place. Like people are staring at you. Like you don't belong. And I guess I was just getting really used to being surrounded by people who know. By people who don't even double take when they see that "girl with the scarf." People who can now see past all of this to the girl who is doing totally fine.

Now this is not directed to any of my wonderful Bristol friends. Because I love all of you and have loved getting to see some of you. The support I feel from you has been uplifting and incredible.

But it is that random person at lunch, or that guy across the street. It is that sad pair of eyes at church, or those sideways glances at the coffee shop.

Hi. I have (had) cancer.

I guess I have just been so wrapped up in everything else that I haven't taken the time to really let my thoughts settle on that fact. Even at chemo lately I have been distracted by this, that, or the other. And the day after it's normally back to the books.

But, not this time. This time I am home, I am not studying (I took a 3 day break!!), and I am actually getting out to somewhere other than the library and Starbucks. And I have taken notice. Of. My. Own Life. And so has everyone else.... but then again, I guess everyone else always does... I just don't see it.

And so here I am. Examining my own life. Once again.

I think one of my favorite things about coming home is going to St. Anne's on sunday and hearing Father Tim. This week's homily could not have been more fitting, as usual, and I was touched by the message God was sending me through his words.

It was based on "Healing in the New Testament"... a theme that this Lent has followed...and one that has  opened my eyes to what healing really is. It is not a cure for a disease... but rather a holistic cleanse of the soul. It is the blind seeing. It is the leper being welcomed back into society and being deemed clean. It is a man being raised from the dead.

As a future doctor, sometimes I feel like I get caught up on the physical. Of being in "remission" and my chances of "relapse" to these horrible cancer cells. But that is not what it is all about. And to be honest, I "relapse" every day. I relapse into selfishness and abrasiveness. Into dishonesty and callousness. Vulgarity and gossip.

Now this illness, this state of un-health, is something I struggle with everyday. And it takes daily reflection and prayer to remain in remission. It takes actively thanking God each day I wake up to this world. This world full of people who love me and the opportunity to pursue my dreams.

I am working on it.

I know this is a life long process, much longer than the 12 rounds of chemo that I must complete to eradicate this Hodgkin's (only 3 left...!!!!). This is an everyday thing. And this is much, much more important. Because if I am never healed, than what was the point of being "cured."
Liv