I'm not Neo-playing-around.

That fateful day finally came. The day when we really started learning about cancer. And I was terrified.

Neoplasia, literally new growth, and cancer, a malignant tumor of epithelial cell but also in practice used to describe all malignancies. All of these things that took over my body, still scares the shit out of me.

I know that after that negative PET scan, everything IS going to be okay. Just going to preface the rest of this post with that. But I am still scared out of my mind, sometimes.

This is what I have learned about cancer during my small introductory lecture the other day: I AM LUCKY TO BE ALIVE. I mean, I could have it much, much worse. Hodgkin's is a walk in the park compared to some other types of cancer. But, to learn that this thing probably started growing inside of me TWO YEARS AGO...or that something in my gene's could be off... or that in every person, right now, there is a cancer starting to form that is being fought off by their immune system, successfully I beg...

Now this put me in an unusually dark and pensive state. I am such a positive person, but this all really hit me hard. It seemed so personal. When Handorf looked into the faces of the class, I could only imagine that he was lecturing straight to me (I guess it didn't help that there were only 30 people in class that day...). I could feel my heart beating in my chest. Literally frozen in my chair, but on the edge of my seat.

I mean, this topic is clearly relevant to everyone in the class. We all have a mom, aunt, cousin, grandparent, best friend, who had cancer... I just happen to have all of those.... AND I have this. I have just never been so interested in something in my entire life. I was hanging on every word... "tell me more Handorf... tell me how to catch this thing, how to cure it, how to help other people not have to go through what I have..." (And here I was thinking I would NEVER entertain the idea of a career in oncology EVER... oh silly me for thinking I have any control over my life at all...)

Control. I thought a lot about that in church yesterday. It is so overwhelming to just give your life over to God. To trust that He will take care of you and that everything will go according to His will.... once again I was struck by the relevancy of this week's readings...

Romans 8:31-34 "What then shall we say to this? If God is FOR US, who is against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, will he not also give us all things with him? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies; who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who dies, yes, who was raised form the dead, who is a the right hand of God, who indeed INTERCEDES FOR US?

I was struck by these words. They are questions. And I have so many questions. But at the same time, they are more than questions... they are ANSWERS, they are COMFORT, they are FAITH. Knowing that, well "knowing" is the wrong word, TRUSTING that is how I can get out of bed everyday and smile and give thanks and be happy.

Never in my life have the words we speak in mass meant more to me than they do now. "Lead us not into temptation, BUT DELIVER US FROM EVIL." This part of the Lord's prayer has always moved me, but I guess I just want to be "delivered" from all of this so much, I just find myself squeezing the imaginary hand next to me every time.... "Lord I am NOT WORTHY that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be HEALED." I realize that even though I am a sinner, there is still a chance of repentance and of healing. And this life is not all about healing my body.... it is about healing WHO I am and HOW I am. And that is 8 gazillion times more important in the long run... it is so powerful I cannot even stand it, but there is is, every week, laid out for me like my favorite dress on the bed, just waiting for me to slip into...

Hmmm.... so there is your daily catechism I suppose.... I have just been thinking on these things a lot lately, and especially in light of this love/hate relationship I have been having with the lecture material. I mean, I will never, ever miss a question on Hodgkin's lymphoma, that is for sure. All of this is greater than just "random letters" to me.... more than just AML, FPC, HD.... it is REAL and it is personal. And I do not think I will ever lose that. And what's more? I do not ever want to lose that.

So I will end this post with the new Shin's song that I have been obsessed with lately (because I love it and also because after such epic emotional rambling I can think of no other appropriate closing...)

Well this is just a simple song to say what you done
I told you about all those fears and away they did run
You sure must be strong 
When you feel like an ocean being warmed by the sun

...
I know that things can really get rough when you go it alone
Don't go thinking you gotta be tough, to bleed like a stone
Could be there's nothing else in our lives so critical
As this little home
...


Liv